Will Counseling Help My Emotionally Abusive Husband?

Overview

When you are married to an emotionally abusive man, you are in a rough position. You most likely have invested time and emotion in the marriage, and you may even have children. Although you can divorce an emotional abuser, you may want to try to solve the problem first. Some emotionally abusive husbands learn how to stop their destructive behaviors so you can build a healthy marriage. Counseling can help an emotional abuser if he really wants to change.

Definition

According to the Surviving Abuse website, emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence that is centered around hurting a person with words rather than physically harming her. Its effects can be just as damaging as physical abuse. When a husband is emotionally abusive, he will insult and belittle his wife and continually make her feel unworthy and worthless. Over time, this will destroy her self esteem as she begins to believe what he says. She will eventually take responsibility for all the problems in the marriage.

Causes

According to the University of Illinois Counseling Center, abusive men were usually raised in an emotionally abusive family. They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have good relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless. When they get married, they take out their pain and need for control on their wives. They don't acknowledge or work through their own problems. Instead, they blame and punish their spouses.

Solution

Counseling can help an emotionally abusive husband learn how to interact with his wife in healthy ways. However, according to the Surviving Abuse website, the husband must be willing to get help in order for the counseling to work. He must acknowledge his behavior and its destructive effects, and he must believe that the counseling is for his own benefit as well as to help his wife and relationship. If he agrees to counseling only to appease his wife, it won't be successful.

Motivation

Most emotionally abusive husbands enjoy the results of their behavior. It boosts his self esteem at the expense of his wife's, and it also allows him to be in control and get his way. Because of this, emotional abusers often don't have any strong motivation to get counseling or to do real work in therapy sessions. The Surviving Abuse website says that some men find the motivation when they are faced with the loss of their spouse. The threat has to be real, and the wife has to be prepared to follow through with a divorce. Otherwise, her husband may play along with counseling for a while without truly changing.

Warning

Emotional abuse follows the same cycle as physical abuse. The husband will break down his wife's self-esteem, battering her verbally and making her feel worthless. When she is close to the breaking point, he will apologize and promise to stop his cruel behavior. This will lead to a "honeymoon" period when everything goes well, but eventually the emotional abuse will start again. Some men use the honeymoon period as an excuse to avoid counseling. This is not an acceptable excuse because if a man doesn't get professional help, he is almost certain to get back into the cycle.