Good manners are not just a matter of lifting a pinky finger when drinking tea; they are at the heart of consideration, tolerance and respect. Teaching your children good manners and courtesy can offer real benefits. According to Defining Manners, having good manners not only builds confidence and self-esteem but is integral to success; children who have good manners are more likely to have better reading and listening skills. Good manners may even help children resolve conflict and lead to wiser decisions in later life. Your child has the best chance of learning good manners if you start teaching the basics early as well as demonstrate good manners yourself.
Step 1
Introduce courteous phrases to your small child by describing them as "magic words" that can affect people's behavior, and prompt him to use them. Family Education notes that this technique capitalizes on a toddler's desire to feel powerful. Tell him that "please" makes grownups more likely to help, while "thank you" will make them feel more like helping him in the future. Explain that "excuse me" can help move adults out of the way, stop conversation so they will listen to him and show that if he bumped into someone, he didn't mean to. Try to help him understand that the "magic phrases" are not unlimited in their powers but can facilitate a reasonable request.
Step 2
Praise the child when he does something considerate, a practice recommended by Dr. Alex Packer, Ph.D., an author and psychologist in Boston. Saying "I noticed you held the door for that woman at the grocery story--good job!" can help to reinforce courteous behavior. A to Z of Manners and Etiquette endorses this approach as well and concurs that it's beneficial to note the specific behavior.
Step 3
Make corrective suggestions in a neutral and nonjudgmental way. Point to positive consequences, rather than reprimanding or labeling the child. Instead of saying, "You're acting like a slob," explain, "If you use the fork rather than your fingers, your hands won't get sticky."
Step 4
Stage a formal family dinner, presenting it as a fun way to play dress-up. Bring out the fancy cutlery and the cloth napkins, and encourage the kids to don their best clothes. Serving a favorite dessert can provide an additional incentive. Tell children you can repeat the dinner if they use their best manners, and lay down ground rules: Place your napkin on your lap when seated, wait for everybody to sit before starting to eat, don't reach across the table, don't talk with your mouth full, no elbows on the table, ask to be excused, and carry your plates and cutlery to the kitchen. Consider offering a small prize or treat to the child with the best manners.
Step 5
Acknowledge that although belching is permissible in some cultures, it is considered rude in this one. Discourage deliberate belching, and teach the child to simply and matter of factly say "excuse me" if belching does occur.
Step 6
Seat children with adults at large gatherings on occasion, instead of always setting up a "kids section" at a card table in another room. A to Z of Manners and Etiquette says that children absorb correct behaviors by seeing them modeled by adults. It is also an opportunity for children to practice what they have learned.
Step 7
Teach your child what to do when someone extends a hand. Planet Teach suggests telling your child to think of "mitten hands" and to keep four fingers together with the thumb extended, while shaking up and down twice and keeping eye contact. Practice with your child until the gesture feels natural to him.
Tips and Warnings
- Sort out confusion involving place settings by teaching your children that the first two letters of the word "drinks" stand for "drinks on the right." Make manners interesting by explaining the traditions behind them. Tell your child that handshakes were originally meant to demonstrate that men weren't carrying weapons in their hands and that tipping or removing a hat is analogous to a knight lifting his visor to show his face.
