When someone finds out that her spouse has cheated on her emotionally, physically or both, it takes time and hard work to repair the relationship. An affair is filled with lies and dishonesty, so the marriage has to be rebuilt on honesty and trust. Many couples wonder if their marriage has any hope of surviving and think that divorce might be the only option. You may go from wanting the marriage to end to hoping it can be repaired, all in the same day.
Step 1
Ask for support from friends and family members that you trust and know won't take sides. Talking to someone who can be more objective about the situation might help you understand and deal with your feelings better.
Step 2
Take a break from each other. Both partners will need to deal with their feelings separately before dealing with them together. Allow each other space to figure out how you want to handle the situation going forward.
Step 3
Stop communicating with the person that you cheated with. To recommit yourself to your marriage, you'll have to be willing to completely cut yourself off from that person. Don't even call or email her.
Step 4
Seek the help of a marriage therapist. She'll be able to help you deal with your feelings of anger, guilt and shock while working with you to rebuild your marriage, if that is what you both want to do. You may need to both seek individual therapy before seeing a marriage counselor to explore your own feelings.
Step 5
Figure out why the affair took place. You may want to do this with the assistance of your therapist. Affairs can happen in happy and miserable marriages and can take place for many different reasons, such as retaliation, making impulsive decisions while drinking or feeling neglected by one's spouse. This doesn't mean that the cheating spouse is justified, but the couple needs to acknowledge the main reasons for cheating to get past them and work on them.
Step 6
Answer questions about the affair honestly and talk about it during therapy. The spouse who cheated may have to answer some tough questions such as, "Did you love him?" and "How often did you have sex with him?" You have to be willing to talk about the affair honestly and in a constructive manner to move past it.
Step 7
Forgive your spouse. When you've gone through the feelings of anger, hurt and jealousy and asked all the questions you could think to ask, you have to eventually move on. You'll have to be willing to forgive your spouse and trust him to be faithful to you in the future.
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