When your toddler clearly prefers one parent over the other, it can result in hurt feelings and even a sense of resentment between the cast-aside parent and the child or the favored parent. Before you feel hurt and ignored when your child seems to prefer your partner over you, consider the normalcy of the situation. Most toddlers go through a period of time where they prefer one parent to the other, but this is a normal and short-lived phase.
Is It Normal?
One of the first issues you may deal with when your toddler shows strong preferences for one parent over the other is debating whether or not the behavior is acceptable and normal. A poll conducted by "Parents" magazine found that 90 percent of mothers and fathers report that their child showed a preference for one parent at some point in time. It's a natural and normal stage of toddlerhood and shouldn't cause serious concern.
Possible Causes
Your toddler shows preference for one parent for any number of reasons. Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, author of "Touchpoints: Birth to Three" suggests that parental preference is a vital time when a toddler learns to focus on the facial expressions, personality and preferences, one parent at a time. Tovah P. Klein, director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development, describes the behavior as your toddler's first steps toward autonomy. Krista L. Swanson, a child psychologist at the Early Childhood Center at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, says that getting the cold shoulder from your toddler actually means he feels secure in your relationship, allowing him to explore others.
How to Handle Favoritism
While a parental preference is completely normal, you may still feel rejected if your toddler prefers your partner over you. Talk about your feelings with your partner so that she knows to avoid hurtful language, such as pointing out the obvious preference. Spend time as a family, if possible, so your toddler associates both parents with positive attention. If you're the one your toddler prefers, include your partner in activities together and offer swift discipline if your toddler is disrespectful while playing favorites.
What Not to Do
Your toddler's clear preference for you can make you feel guilty when you leave him in your partner's hands. Avoid canceling plans to allow your toddler to get his way, which sends the message that you have little faith in your partner's abilities as a caregiver. Never punish your toddler for showing a clear preference, since a parent-child relationship should be fostered rather than discouraged. Since parental preference is a temporary phase, it's best to ride out the experience until your child's attention shifts to something else.
