Some aggressive behavior is not uncommon in toddlers as they begin to develop their own personalities and their thoughts might not keep up with their oral skills. Children that age are still learning to cope with their emotions and to regulate their behavior, and frustration can lead to temper tantrums and meltdowns. Occasionally, their behavior can turn violent.
Why Toddlers Act Out
Toddlers are still developing language so they can't always make their needs known. Imagine being in a foreign country and only being able to speak a few simple words of the native language. It probably wouldn't take you long to become frustrated. On top of that, they haven't developed much impulse control, and they're still learning about consequences of their behavior. That can lead to tantrums, hitting, kicking and biting when they don't get their way, are tired, hungry, or not understood. Sometimes even things you consider happy occasions, like holidays or going out to eat, can be overwhelming for a toddler and cause him to act up. Occasionally, toddlers are violent because they're being abused themselves or because they have behavioral or developmental disorders.
What's Normal
Most toddlers go through a phase during which they act out physically. This can be stomping, yelling, screaming, throwing toys and even the classic tantrum in which they throwing themselves on the floor and kicking their feet. It's not uncommon for toddlers to hit, kick, pinch or bite other children or caregivers when they're upset or frustrated.
How to Help
Model positive behavior for your toddler. If he sees you hitting or throwing things, he'll think that's an appropriate way to behave. Limit what he sees on TV. Toddlers are adept at the art of imitation and may try to copy violence they see on the screen. Create clear and logical consequences for all of his behavior. Reward him for behaving appropriately, even if it's just with a simple phrase, such as, "I like the way you put your toy away when I asked you to" along with a hug. If he hits you when you ask him to put his toys away, tell him firmly that it's not OK to hit. Set him in time-out for about a minute or walk away from him, if he's in a safe place. Yelling or spanking your toddler might not help him understand what he did wrong, and therefore his behavior won't change.
When to Seek Help
Occasionally, toddlers behave more violently than what's considered normal. If your toddler seems to act out aggressively more often than she's calm, if she seems out of control much of the time, if her violent outbursts seem more intense than a typical tantrum, or if she's being removed or shunned from play dates, day care or preschool because of her violence, it's time to talk to your pediatrician. He can refer you to a behavioral specialist or developmental pediatrician who can help you find solutions.
