Most children lie, especially during their preschool years. Habitual lying, however, is a serious problem suggestive of poor coping skills. Children who lie to gain power, manipulate or avoid punishment compromise their close relationships with others, setting the stage for a lifetime of intimacy problems. By working with your child to break this bad habit, most parents can set their children on a more positive track.
Reasons Children Lie
It's important to learn the reason your child has developed a problem with lying. The approach is very different, for example, if your child is lying out of shame and poor self-esteem, than if he is lying to avoid punishment or for the thrill of deceiving others. Pick a time when you and your child are feeling particularly close and initiate a frank discussion. Try to get him to express what he is feeling and listen, rather than criticize or correct.
Lying Due to Fear
Many children who become habitual liars do so out of fear. Your child may be fearful of punishment. In this case, try talking to your child about her behaviors, facilitating better problem-solving skills. Work with your child, whenever possible, to use discipline, which is corrective and looks forward, rather than punishment, which tends to come from a parent's own sense of inadequacy and looks backward. Discipline may involve allowing your child to earn privileges for each instance of truth telling, for example, whereas punishment may involve taking away the television set.
Fear of disappointing or angering a parent may also be motivating a child who is a pathological liar. If this is the case, try to maintain a calm, even attitude when responding to your child's behavior.
Lying Due to Habit
Some children develop a severe problem with lying because they are good at it, and lying has become an effective way to control and manipulate others, as well as a means to avoid punishment. Help your child to recognize the negative effects of lying by discussing how the victims of his lies suffer. Choose a moment where your child is upset about the negative personal consequences of his lying to discuss his habit. If, for example, your child is dismayed because he is unpopular, this is a good time to discuss how lying may be a contributing factor.
Lying Due to Modeling
Children are very observant and readily recognize parental lying. They follow this example, especially when a parent lies for personal gain, because they want the same benefits of lying that the parent has realized. If you recognize that your child is copying your behaviors, discuss the issue openly and set a "no lying" rule for your family -- so everyone can work on the behavior together.
Seek Professional Help
If normal methods of correcting lying such as modeling, discipline and providing a safe environment for truth-telling are not working, or your child does not feel remorse when she lies, it's time to consult a therapist. Sometimes pathological lying in children is symptomatic of a more deep-seated problem with authority figures, poor self-esteem or depression, amongst other causes. A therapist can help a family work together to confront this problem.
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