Lying is a stage that most children go through at one point or another. When your preteen is developing a Pinocchio complex, there are some things you can do to reduce the lying habit. It is important to first determine if lying is related to something serious, such as substance abuse, mental health issues, or sexual abuse, that you may not be aware of. If you suspect a more serious issue than that which reflects a normal stage of adolescence, consult with your child's doctor to better determine what actions you need to take.
Step 1
Provide your preteen with a positive, honest role model. Kids are acutely aware of hypocrisy in their parents. If you don't maintain a completely honest and open persona, your preteen is sure to notice this and copy your behaviors. For example: If you sneak ice cream when you think no one is around, expect your teen to lie about eating disorders.
Step 2
Show your child what sober living looks like. Preteens who have parents who use alcohol, recreational drugs or cigarettes are more likely to use these substances secretively. When confronted, it is common for preteens to lie about their use not only because of fear of punishment, but also because lying empowers them in their efforts to get away with their assumed adult behavior.
Step 3
Talk to your preteen about everything under the sun. Your preteen is no longer a little child and needs to know that she can bring up uncomfortable issues with you. If she does not feel safe talking to you, it is likely that sneaking and lying will follow. Model open lines of communication for more frequent honest encounters with your child.
Step 4
Avoid punishment. Many preteens lie when they fear that the punishment will be worse than the guilt they feel in being dishonest. When children are given harsh or unfair punishments, they quickly begin to feel that it is better to lie than to risk disapproval and parental wrath. If your child has broken a family rule, psychologist John Sommers-Flannagan suggests having an open discussion that allows him to have a say in whether or not the rule is actually fair. If it is mutually understood to be a fair rule, the young person should be able to come up with a consequence for breaking the rule that also seems fair. Preteens can feel empowered by this type of family democracy, which should reduce lying and increase compliance with household rules.
Tips and Warnings
- Maintain a positive environment for the fragile ego of your preteen to ensure that she knows she has your trust. Teens who truly feel trusted are less likely to risk losing that trust through petty lies.
- Chronic lying may be a sign of mental health decline, bullying, sexual violation or confusion, household abuse or neglect, or problematic peer issues. If you feel you have not given your child a reason to lie, pursue the issue with a licensed mental health professional to see if you can bring the lines of communication back into working order within your family. Your family doctor may have some suggestions for a therapist who is competent with the specifics of preteen issues.
References
- "Counseling and Psychotherapy Theories in Context and Practice"; John Sommers-Flannagen; 2009
- "What Should We Talk About? Building Your Child's Conversation Skills"; Gary Kosman and Grace Chiu; 2007
- "Behavioral Neurology and Neuropsychology"; Todd Feinburg and Martha Farah; 2003
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