Preteens undergo confusing changes from ages 9 to 13, confusing both to themselves and their parents. Parents may find it hard to deal with the push and pull of a preteen's desire for independence one moment and her need for reassurance the next. Preteens are going through cognitive, physical and social changes during these years; these fluctuations are a normal and important part of their development.
Step 1
Provide love and practice patience. Your preteen needs to feel loved no matter how difficult he is being and no matter what mistakes he might make. It is your love that will help him to feel secure during this time in his life, the Palo Alto Medical Foundation explains. Be patient with the pre-adolescent's desire for more responsibility and any failures to plan, organize and follow through.
Step 2
Normalize this confusing time for preteens. Explain that mood swings and turmoil are normal and that everyone goes through this transition, that they are not alone. Parents can use their own preadolescence as a guide, giving examples of their difficulties and how they eventually resolved.
Step 3
Establish boundaries and limits; make clear which are firm and which are flexible. Preteens will challenge and test rules and will argue for more freedom and independence, Dr. Susan Ginsberg explains. It is up to parents to determine their growing level of maturity and adjust some limits to allow preteens' responsibility to increase. Follow through on consequences and remember that such rules will help your child to feel cared-for and safe.
Step 4
Recognize the importance of peers in your preteen's life. Children are struggling to figure out where they fit and how to define themselves. Get to know your preteen's friends and learn about what they do to get a better idea of what's going on. You might have to help your child deal with some of these issues. Help your pre-adolescent meet new kids outside of school with clubs, sports teams and other avenues.
Step 5
Build your child's self-confidence by challenging her to try new things. She needs parents' encouragement because even the most confident of kids can feel insecure at this age. Preteens begin to develop a social conscience at this age and are often willing to do charitable work. Praise their accomplishments, both large and small, in very specific ways. General praise doesn't come across as authentic.
Step 6
Keep communication lines open as well as you can. Listen without judgment, talk openly and honestly about drugs, sex and other health issues. Share your beliefs and values. Identify and explain your feelings to help your preteen do the same.
References
- Palo Alto Medical Foundation; Parenting a Preteen; 2001
- FamilyTLC.net; The Preteen Years: A Time Of Change for Children and Parents; Susan Ginsberg, Ed.D.; 2002
- FamilyTLC.net; A New Look At How To Build Self-Esteem In Preteens; Susan Ginsberg, Ed.D.; 2003
- DisneyFamily.com; The Preteen Years; Teri Brown
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