Raising your own children is challenging enough. When you have stepchildren, the challenge is that much greater. You and your new spouse are attempting to mold two families into one and gain the respect of one another's children, all in the same process. You may expect some bumps in the road with your stepdaughter, but what you may not be prepared for is her lying. Your stepdaughter may lie out of fear, to protect someone else or for attention. Whatever the reason, you must find a way to get through to her and end this problem if you want a healthy, family relationship.
Step 1
Talk to your spouse. It is important to provide a united front before addressing the issue with your stepdaughter. Determine what the consequences for her actions are, and present them to her together. Her lying may stem from resentment of her new family, and most importantly, of you. For example, she may tell her father you don't allow her contact her friends, when in actuality, you give her permission to stay over with them on weekends. Children, especially tweens and teens, use lying as a "divide and conquer" mechanism. In her mind, if she can come between you and her father, she will have her natural mother and father back together. If you and your husband are on the same page, her plan eventually fades.
Step 2
Make a list of predictable consequences. Dr. Phil McGraw recommends giving your stepdaughter a list of predictable consequences. This way she knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what she faces when she lies. Allow her to have a say in these consequences, as well; doing this prevents her from saying the punishment is unfair. Let the punishment fit the crime. If she is lying about making long-distance phone calls, take her cellphone away. If she lies about doing a chore she didn't actually do, add more chores to her list.
Step 3
Keep your message simple. When you catch your stepdaughter in a lie, opt for a short discussion rather than a long lecture. EmpoweringParents' Janet Lehman, an expert in working with troubled teens, recommends talking to your stepdaughter about the lie you caught her in, telling her why it concerns you and the consequence she is going to receive because of it. Keeping it short and simple avoids confrontation and shows her you intend to follow through with the punishments you both determined fair.
Step 4
Take time to build a healthy relationship with your stepdaughter. Any child, biological or step, may be more inclined to tell the truth if a healthy relationship exists. Jan Faull, a parenting expert on raising stepchildren, suggests spending time with your stepdaughter in an activity of her choice. Show interest in her personal activities, such as soccer or volleyball. Listen when she talks about her feelings concerning the breakup of her parents and take into consideration her feelings and points of view. After a while, she may see you as a friend rather than a foe. You may be the one person to whom she can relate, and she may find it easier to be honest with you.
Tips and Warnings
- There are times you believe that being a stepparent is the hardest thing you can do, but take time to walk away. Yes, your stepchild may intentionally begin arguing with you, but remember, it is not directed toward you. It is anger over her situation. Although it is human nature to defend yourself, walking away and giving yourself time to calm down puts things in a different perspective, allowing you to be the parent or source of support this child needs in her life.
Member Comments