Helping your children connect with peers is an important part of developing social skills and building characters. Friendship is like a training camp. Children learn the give and take of social behavior, how to set up and play by rules and how to make decisions and resolve dilemmas. They experience fear, rejection, anger, isolation and aggression. They learn how to empathize and apologize. They get lessons about social standing, power and fairness. Most important, your child's peers provide companionship and stimulation that will help them become well-rounded, emotionally healthy adults. You can give your children skills and tools to be social and confident and connect with appropriate friends.
Step 1
Help your children learn who they are. Help them discover their strengths, interests and passions. Encourage them to pursue opportunities to engage in their interests, knowing they are at their most confident when they are doing something they love. Meeting other children with the same interests will be a natural result. Enroll your children in extracurricular activities to also fulfill an important need to make friends outside of school.
Step 2
Provide opportunities for your child to play and socialize at home and in your neighborhood. Help cultivate your children's peer connections by making your home the "hangout" spot. Host your children's neighborhood peers for play dates or lunch. Offer healthy snacks, toys and games. Allow some of their playtime to be unstructured so they learn to negotiate, but keep the get-togethers relatively short so no one gets exhausted and cranky. You'll leave less room for conflict, too.
Step 3
Model the behavior you want your children to follow. Have your friends over to show your children what it takes to be a good friend. Be a good friend to your children, too. That is, be kind. Compliment. Help them out. Hang out. Joke around. Apologize when appropriate. Listen. Ask for what you want without yelling, nagging or manipulating.
Step 4
Teach your children to help others, and show them the fine art of empathy. Your children's peers will be naturally attracted to a potential friend who is warm, welcoming and willing to lend a helping hand. Ask your children's teacher to pair your children with other children who need help in an area in which your children excel. Also ask the same be done for your children. But don't ignore it when you see your children ignore other children. Remind them how they felt when they were left out.
Step 5
Role-play with your kids to show them how to make friends. Some children are just not sure how to appropriately connect. They may simply need some icebreakers or help overcoming fears. Show them how to start a conversation in different scenarios. Play the popular kid, the athletic kid, the shy one and the smart one. Make your demonstrations appropriate for the location, such as the cafeteria, the playground or rec center and in the classroom.
Step 6
Deal with negative peer influences. Inevitably your children will connect with someone of whom you don't approve. Talk with your children about what makes a good friend. Limit exposure to peers who bring down your children or cause them to behave badly. Tell your children when you notice a change in their personalities and set clear boundaries around acceptable behavior. Give them some room to show that you trust them to think on their own and make decisions about the kinds of friends they want.
Step 7
Anticipate cliques, bullying and rejection. Share your own experiences to let your children understand the changing dynamics of friendship. Prepare them to acknowledge that some people are liked, disliked, judged and picked on because of the way they look or act. Tell them to always be themselves. Be proactive if you see warning signs of bullying, whether your children are the aggressors or the victims. Stop it in its tracks. Give your child strategies to cope or be a better friend. Stay vigilant.
Tips and Warnings
- Be a parent. Provide support to your children. Lend the benefit of your many years of wisdom to help your child understand that making friends is a lifelong process. Prepare them for the pains, jealousy, separation and ending friendships when necessary. Always ensure your relationship with your children is open enough for them to talk with you, as friends inevitably grow more complicated as your children get older.
- Children are ready for real friendship about age 4 or 5. If your children are in elementary school or more advanced and don't seem to want to make friends, get to the bottom of it. Set up a meeting with your school's social worker or psychologist to ask for help. If you've had a recent crisis in your home, your child may need professional counseling.
References
- Education.com; Nobody Likes Me: Helping Children Make Friends; Lisa M. Cope
- EduGuide: Help My Kid Make Friends in School
- Mom's Homeroom; Friends 101: Why Friends Are Important, and How You Can Help Your Child Succeed; Martha Brockenbrough
- KidsHealth; Helping Kids Cope With Cliques; Michelle New; Aug. 2010
- NYU Child Study Center; Do Kids Need Friends?; Anita Gurian and Alice Pope
- StopBullying.gov
