How To Improve A Boy's Sports Competitiveness

As your boy's biggest fan on and off the field, you might be taken aback when you realize---or someone suggests---that your child needs to be more competitive when participating in sports. You might even fear that a lackluster performance on the football field could be a signal that he'll be eaten alive by society and the workplace in the future if he doesn't toughen up. The fact is, there are plenty of reasons he might not compete. Some of them might have more to do with you than with him.

Step 1

Examine your definition of success and failure to see if they interfere with your ability to accept your child's level of competitiveness. Every child competes differently---just as every boy defines the word "winner" in a specific way. Ask your child to define success and failure in his own words. His understanding of these concepts might be perfectly aligned with his performance on the field, so if he's content with the amount of effort he's putting forth while engaging in any type of sport, accept his definition, even if it's far afield of yours.

Step 2

Identify predispositions to judge. Perhaps you come from a family that sent unmistakable messages that the only way a boy can shine is to become a sports titan. Without realizing it, you pass that message on to your boy, even if you do so subtly when you comment on other males and their prowess, equating victory with success. Address old messages as they relate to today's world and figure out how they impact your dissatisfaction with your child's level of competitiveness.

Step 3

Communicate your concern. Even if you think your lines of communication are solid, you might need a refresher on approaching your boy about why he doesn't seem to be competing in sports. Use "I" statements and be forthright: "I'm curious about why that ball got away from you today." You might learn that your child is afraid of the ball, scared of being injured or worried about letting his coach down. The exchange might not bear fruit immediately, but keep open those lines of communication and you can get to the heart of why your boy exhibits behaviors that appear to be a lack of competitiveness.

Step 4

Prioritize your time. Self-esteem and confidence unleash a boy's competitive side when he knows he can't fail by anyone's definition. Start by committing to all aspects of your boy's life, not just sports-related activities. Showing up at soccer games but blowing off a PTA meeting or a parent conference sends a message that your boy is only going to get your approval and presence if there's a ball or a bat in his hands. Prioritize all of your child's activities and his natural competitiveness will emerge on its own.

Step 5

Become a master of encouragement. You buy the shirt, shorts and ball so your boy shows up in the team uniform. There's nothing wrong with buying the gear, as long as you understand that clothing and equipment can do just so much to encourage competitiveness. Your boy will learn the lesson best when you encourage his sports performances and then reward him with praise every time you see him compete. This is where unconditional love comes in. Encourage wins with enthusiasm and acknowledge losses with empathy and understanding and you won't need a therapist to validate your boy's renewed sense of self. You'll see it every time he competes.