Occasionally, disagreements arise between a parent and child that are not easily resolvable due to differences in attitudes, values or goals. Negotiating conflict is a learned skill that promotes resolution of emotional situations before they escalate, damaging relationships permanently. Parents who model effective problem-solving techniques teach their children social skills that last a lifetime.
Confront the Problem
Families that experience difficulty with resolving parent-child conflict tend to deny the issue, with both parties isolating themselves without resolving the issue. According to the University of Missouri Extension website, openly acknowledging the conflict is an important first step. Often, just talking about differences of opinion openly resolves the issue. A parent might say, for example, "I understand that you do not agree with your curfew. I did not want a curfew myself at this age." Make it clear to your child that your empathy for his situation does not mean you will relax your boundaries, however.
Express Your Understanding
Sometimes a child does not feel she is being heard, and this is the source of conflict, more than a dispute over the rules. Demonstrate you are hearing your child by paraphrasing what is being said in three or four words. "You are exhausted," "You feel stressed" or "I hear your frustration," are examples of phrases parents use to show they are listening. Ask clarifying questions when you do not understand what your child is saying. Being heard allows your children to relax her guard and feel loved and understood.
Be Respectful
Validate your child's right to have different feelings than your own. Speak in a respectful tone and model behaviors you want your child to emulate. Respectful dialogue makes it more likely the problem will be discussed thoroughly and hard feelings will not develop. Building a basis of trust also helps future negotiations be resolved more easily.
Explore Alternative Solutions
Think about the goal behind your rules and be prepared to accept alternative solutions if your child proposes them. If your goal is to teach your child responsibility by doing the dishes, for example, consider allowing your child to substitute a chore of equal importance that is more interesting to him. A study published in 2000 in the "Journal of Family and Consumer Sciences Education" suggests that middle school-age children and above often argue with their parents as a way to assert their growing independence. Allowing your child to participate in problem-solving activities keeps you both on the same team and allows your child a constructive way to assert her independence.
Collaborate and Cooperate
At an age-appropriate level, encourage your child to participate in a negotiation process. Listening to your child's feedback and taking applicable suggestions should help resolve the conflict in an expedient manner. An August 2002 article in the journal "Child Development" found a strong positive association between the use of resolution and mitigation by mothers to their child's socioemotional level of health as toddlers.
References
- University of Missouri Extension: Negotiation Skills
- "Child Development"; Mother-Child Conflict in the Toddler Years: Lessons in Emotion, Morality and Relationships; D. J. Laible, et al.; August 2002
- "Journal of Family and Consumer Sciences Education"; Parent-Adolescent Conflict in Early Adolescence: Research and Implications for Middle School Programs; Barbara N. Allison; 2000
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