Adolescence is a chaotic time, as youth straddle the worlds of being a dependent child and an autonomous adult. The ensuing years are marked by rapid emotional and social changes, risk-taking behavior and excessive peer influence. Adding to the intensity of the period is the fact that teens' brains, especially with regard to impulse control, are still maturing. When your youth is out of control, you need to take it seriously, rearrange your priorities and take proactive steps get him back on track.
Equip Yourself First
Your teen needs you to show her the way. Though she may not admit it, she's inexperienced and needs your help navigating this period in her life. The teenage years are a time when you need to adjust your parenting styles. You're moving from the strict totalitarianism of raising little children to guiding and respecting a young adult. If you don't know how to do this, get help before you tackle your out-of-control teen's problems. Take parenting classes and talk with older parents to equip yourself with the mindset and the tools you need. For example, seek advice about setting rules and discipline and laying out your expectations for your teen's behavior. Be practical about rules you can consistently enforce. Set up consequences that are about more than punishment. Set rules with your teen's safety in mind. Don't forget to set up rewards and privileges, too, to help your teen want to follow your rules.
Primary Source First
Before you think of hauling your child off to military school, open the door of communication with your child. Discuss the behaviors that are troubling you and see if you can get to the root of the matter. Ask questions. Don't nag and don't force the conversation. Be continuously open to incrementally developing a new kind of relationship with your youth. A close relationship with parents is what well-adapted teens have in common, says the American Academy of Pediatrics. Those who can share their feelings and come to their parents with any problem do well socially and academically, stay healthy and drug free. It's their parents showing genuine interest in their lives and well-being that fosters this bond. When faced with the choice of engaging in a risk-taking behavior, they are more likely to think about the disappointment they'd cause their parents.
Change Your Teen's Environment
When you need to show your teen tough love, make a conscious decision to do what it takes to get between him and his dangerous behavior. Often you'll find the biggest influences on his behavior in his environment. Get to know his friends and their parents. Monitor your teen and know his whereabouts. Wherever you find a negative influence, make changes. Anticipate resistance and rebellion, and seek more opportunities to place your teen in the context of positive influence, such as at a community organization or teen groups at your house worship. Even a job might help.
Seek Familiar Help
Some problems are too difficult for a family to resolve on its own. Work from your inner circle outward and accept that getting professional -- and legal -- help may be the most important intervention to help your teen get back on the right path. Ask an older adult among your family and friends who can provide a listening ear and some helpful guidance to your teen. It should be someone who is of the same sex, someone your teen looks up to and preferably someone not as old as you. A young aunt or a recent college grad may be able to relate better to your teen's feelings because she has recently been through that period.
Seek Professional Help
If warranted, seek psychological counseling. Many states run public health clinics that include affordable mental health options, whether they are small group or one-on-one counseling. Substance abuse help often falls under mental health services. If your youth is at risk of trouble with law enforcement, consider an intervention program that takes him out of your home for a short period of time. These can include boot camps, wilderness programs, animal care and other intensive treatment programs. Ask a representative of your local department of social services for recommendations, as quality and outcomes can vary widely.
References
- American Academy of Pediatrics: Adolescence: 11 to 21 Years
- American Academy of Pediatrics: Navigating the Teen Years: A Parent's Handbook for Raising Healthy Teens
- National Institute of Mental Health: Teenage Brain: A Work in Progress (Fact Sheet); 2001
- U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: Programs for Replication - Intervention Implementation Reports
- "New York Times"; Deep in the Wilderness, a Growth Industry Is Blooming; Michael Janofsky with Barry Meier; Dec. 11, 1999
- DrPhil.com: Advice for Parents of Troubled Teens;
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