According to a recent study of the Pew Research Center, elements such as divorce, unemployment, unpaid student loans and financial hardship are contributing to a steady increase in adult children moving back home. Nicknamed "The Boomerang Generation," these are adults between 18 and 34 whose survival during tough economic times is predicated in part on their parents' willingness to provide shelter. Whatever the circumstances of your own adult children returning to the nest, it's essential to establish ground rules early to minimize family friction.
Finances
Moving back home may alleviate your adult offspring's angst about her current finances. However, it has the potential to jeopardize your own household budget. Examples of this include the purchase of more groceries and the use of more utilities. Ruth E. Nemzoff, author of "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with your Adult Children," recommends frank discussions about the realities of these increased expenses. Articulate your expectations regarding your adult child's help with the rent, chores and household maintenance.
Enabling Behaviors
Kathy Peel, author of "Family for Life : How to Have Happy, Healthy Relationships with Your Adult Children," suggests that there's a fine line between being a supportive parent and an overly helpful one. Feeling too excited about being needed again by your children can create an excess of nurturing that may potentially kill any incentive for them to leave. Engage them in discussions about restructuring their debt, learning to economize, updating their marketable skills, rethinking their lifestyles and setting realistic goals toward resuming their independence. Take an active interest in the choices they're considering. However, always encourage them to make decisions themselves as an exercise in personal accountability.
Respect
The child that moves back into your house is not the same one you raised from infancy, says Jane Adams, author of "When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives." Whatever exposure they had to the outside world infused them with their own ideas, dreams and attitudes; such things may not be consistent with your personal beliefs as a parent. Moving back in doesn't translate to a forum for reinvention, criticism, humiliation or threats. Nor does it mean that they can ignore house rules, invade your privacy, or expect you to rearrange your schedule to accommodate their needs for meals, free babysitting services or transportation. Respecting each other's boundaries is critical to maintaining a peaceful household.
Timeframe
Define your offspring's length of stay, recommends Christina Newberry, author of "The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home." Open-ended living arrangements can potentially create resentment, especially with parents who feel awkward about suddenly withdrawing their support and other siblings who see the "boomerang" kid as a lazy opportunist. If you want your adult child to become self-supporting again, you need to set a time limit from the beginning. Explain that the welcome mat won't be out indefinitely. This deadline can be adjusted if unexpected setbacks occur. However, its very existence encourages your adult child to take a proactive role in moving forward; it conveys your confidence that the move-out date is feasible.
References
- "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with your Adult Children"; Ruth E. Nemzoff; 2008
- "Family for Life : How to Have Happy, Healthy Relationships with Your Adult Children"; Kathy A. Peel; 2003
- "When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives"; Jane Adams; 2004
- "The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home"; Christina Newberry; 2010
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