A carefully crafted I-don't-care attitude is often the earmark of adolescence. As your child begins to exert her own agency and form habits, talents and interests, she may use a nonchalant attitude to assert her own decisions. Still, that doesn't mean that a nonchalant attitude is acceptable, so it's important that you talk with your child about how she's acting and how you perceive her attitude. Reminding yourself that nonchalance is a defense mechanism in most cases may help you uncover the real reasons for her bad attitude.
Reason for the Attitude
In most cases, your child deploys a nonchalant attitude because she wants to show defiance as a defense mechanism. For instance, a teen girl comes in after curfew and loses driving privileges. She acts as if she doesn't care, only infuriating her parents more with the idea that their punishment wasn't severe enough. If this sounds like a familiar scenario, it's because your child has used the same tactics in the past to make you feel as though she still retains control over the situation. You punish as you wish and she undermines you by acting as if she doesn't care.
What It Means
A nonchalant attitude is so frustrating for parents because it's difficult to break down. Nonchalance is a way your child shuts you out, making it difficult to get through to him. However, the nonchalant and stoic wall that he puts up in front of you means he's usually dealing with hurt, disappointment, fear and anger internally and needs your help and understanding more than ever. Giving up and allowing him to continue with the attitude could be damaging to your relationship.
How to Deal
When your child undermines your authority by acting nonchalant, keep your cool. Remember that she's asserting her choices in the matter and using a blase attitude to make you think she doesn't care. It's the ideal time to sit down and talk with your child about her attitude. Ask how a punishment or disciplinary tactic made her feel and how to prevent that feeling in the future. Consult her when deciding on punishments to choose those that you both agree are fair. If your child's behavior continues, visiting with a family therapist helps to uncover the reasons for her attitude to help you parent more effectively.
Being an Example
Your child's nonchalant attitude toward punishment and other negative experiences might have been learned from his most prominent teacher: you. It's human nature to project feelings of guilt, accountability and negativity elsewhere, replacing those feelings with nonchalance. Check yourself to ensure that you're setting a good example for your child, taking responsibility for your actions and showing your emotions freely.
References
- Mental Help; A child with a Bad Attitude; Alan Schwartz; December 2008
- University of Alabama: Children and Bad Attitudes
- Christian Broadcasting Network; Goodbye to Bad Attitude; The National Center for Biblical Parenting
- "What about the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce"; Judith S. Wallerstein, et al.; 2004; p. 225
