Stubborn behavior by a child can be frustrating to parents and caregivers. For one, the resistance may come at a time when the caregiver is trying to get the child to do something in his own best interest, such as school work. Stubborn behavior creates added tension for already busy and stressed parents. It may also occur in settings that produce public embarrassment for the caregiver and discomfort to onlookers. Parents can employ several strategies to deal with a child's stubborn behavior.
Disincentive
The first step in dealing with stubborn behavior is to make sure it doesn't work. Many parents and caregivers inadvertently reward stubborn behavior and thus reinforce it. This happens when threats of discipline are not followed through or when parents give in to bring peace or get out of the situation. For example, a child is told to put up his toys but refuses and continues playing. The frustrated parent complains verbally but after a time picks them up for him. That child has learned that stubborn behavior works. Psychologist Rebecca Blakeman advises, "Parents should not avoid addressing these behaviors because they believe it is a 'phase' or that it will eventually go away on it's own. If handled improperly, these behaviors will only worsen over time."
Identify Rules
Parents and caregivers need to clarify for child what is expected of them and which behaviors will result in discipline. Blakeman recommends, "Provide a consistent, structured environment with consequences that follow naturally for appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Set rules and stick to them." A concise and simple set of written, posted rules benefits the child. Such rules may include, for example, "We will respect our teacher and fellow students at all times." The point is to clearly define the rules and values.
Create Routine
Many parents of infants, toddlers and small children learn the hard way that routine is essential for kids. Routine provides a sense of context and insures that kids know what to expect. Caregivers can also make sure proper balance is maintained between workload and ability if they write out a schedule and adapt it to meet the temperaments and needs of the child. A watchful parent may notice that by a certain point in the day the child becomes irritable and begins to "break down." A nap or break time incorporated into the daily routine may help rejuvenate the child.
Measure Ability
A child's stubborn behavior may be less about a desire to rebel and more about his feeling ill-equipped or overwhelmed. Take a step back and honestly evaluate the capabilities and temperament of the child. Make sure the child is not being asked to perform at a level beyond his ability or level of preparedness. That's not to say we should not challenge a child, it is to say that we must make sure expectations are reasonable.
Reinforce Good Behavior
Quite often parents and caregivers address stubborn behavior with coercive tactics. It is true that bad behavior must be disciplined and that children must learn there are consequences for our actions. However, even adults are more likely to be motivated by praise and the promise of reward than simply by threat. "Catch a child being good," as the old saying goes, and praise him for what he does right. Create a chart and place stars on it when the child completes a task and provide some reward or privilege as an incentive to reinforce desired behavior.
Focus on Results
Parents should try to avoid turning discipline or strategies to deal with stubborn behavior into a win-lose proposition. It's true that parents must establish authority. However, it can also be productive to focus on the desired results; make the discipline or reward about the behavior desired. In other words, make the child a partner in the enterprise. Put a child in the driver's seat by making her understand that she can effect the outcome in a positive manner by showing cooperation.
Explore Feelings
Stubborn behavior is not always rebellion. It may be the result of some inner frustration, poor self-image or stress in the child's life. A parent or caregiver may find it beneficial to use role-play, playtime or art to discern what a child is feeling. The stubborn behavior may be the result of displacing frustration over family tension and not rebellion.
