1. What is Self-Esteem?
In order to develop self-esteem one has to have a self to esteem. Self-esteem is built on respect for ourselves as real and unique individuals, rather than on a compilation of the agendas of others. By respect we don't mean arrogance, conceit or the demand for recognition. Respect is basically earned. Therefore, in order to truly respect ourselves we have to have faced and overcome some challenges that help us to see our own accomplishments and special characteristics.
2. Can We Give Our Children Healthy Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is definitely an inside job. While parents and teachers can provide an environment that does not overly challenge a child's sense of self, the work of self-esteem is done internally. Therefore, instead of praising, we need to recognize. For example, if a child brings us a piece of artwork, we could say something like, "Look what you've done! Tell me about your picture." In so doing we are recognizing the accomplishment, which serves as affirmation; and we are allowing the child to define his work his way. This helps him to look within for self-definition.
3. Middle Childhood
For the purposes of this article we will say that middle childhood ranges approximately between age 7 and 11. Psychoanalyst Erik Erickson's psychological stages of development tell us that the conflict for this period is "industry vs. inferiority." Obviously this period is crucial for the development of self-esteem. Industry is not just busy-work, however. Industry is accomplished through endeavors that really matter to the child, not just because of what others might think, but because this particular project matches the particular child's acumen and interests.
4. The Primary Challenge
The major challenge of middle childhood is social, as this is a time when children are in the earliest stages of moving away from parental influence and toward peer and other adult influence. The problem here is that their peers are gaining power over adults in their ability to impact the sense of self. So teasing holds a lot of sway. But a child who has 1 or 2 adults or trustworthy peers to whom she may turn may learn that peers cannot necessarily be trusted to give her good feedback. Of course, bullying requires adult intervention.
5. What Can Parents and Teachers Do?
The primary tool in the hands of influencing adults is the mirror. A child needs to learn to see himself clearly, for how else will he have a self to esteem? The skill of mirroring is appropriately used when we ask a child how he is feeling and what he is thinking instead of defining all of that for him. As he is growing through middle childhood he can be asked questions like, "What are some options for solving that problem?" Of course, bouncing these options off of a trusted adult allows him to face and overcome challenges by learning to trust his own judgment, a skill primary to building self-esteem.
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