1. The First Guilt Trip: Time
Time. Where can we buy some more time? All mothers, working in or outside of the home, so desperately wish for more hours in the day to spend with their children. Our days are filled with responsibilities, schedules, errands and commitments--most of which are related to taking care of our treasured family. Quality time does not simply mean a Dr. Seuss book in hand, spelling out the words to your child. Quality time is any amount of time you choose to share with your child. Driving to soccer practice and discussing his day. Making dinner together or reviewing homework over breakfast--mothers today are not only multi-taskers, but creative as well. We are not counting the minutes together, but rather the content of the relationship. Knowing your child's friends, his favorite meal, his struggles at school and his fears is paramount. With today's busy families, spending time together has taken on new meaning.
2. The Second Guilt Trip: Play
"Play with me!" How many times have you heard this mantra from your child and it sends pangs of uneasiness through your body. Children adore play, adults, not so much. It's not that we dislike it, so much as it is we can't help thinking about the other tasks at hand: dinner to make, that nagging work project, laundry, PTA meeting, car pool. Again, it is not the number of minutes we should be counting here, but rather the exchange of the interaction. Allowing your son to teach you his new strategy in chess. Your daughter showing you her new dance routine. Engaging your child and being part of his life is the goal. If counting numbers is what works for you, then fine. Allow yourself the 20 minutes to sit and really listen, engage and participate, with no guilty thoughts creeping in of what needs to be done. Be fully present for that 20 minutes!
3. The Third Guilt Trip: Yelling
Yelling! As soon as the words slip from your mouth in that elevated tone you feel your heart sink. You promised yourself you would be more patient! With stretched schedules, increased demands and pressures, patience and temper seem to run short. The best antidote to yelling is thinking before mouthing the demands. Of course we all know this, but after a long day of work, this may be quite difficult to implement. Stop, breathe, what am I being asked? One, two, three, four, five, answer! Sometimes stating to your child, "Mommy needs a time out," lets them know you need a few moments to collect yourself. This acts as a warning and a prevention to an outburst.
4. The Fourth Guilt Trip: Me
I want to be free! Admit it, you would love a vacation all by yourself, no children, no partner, just to unwind, at your pace! Gasp! Today's mother's can do it all! Banish such selfishness! You have a family now, they are your priority! Yes, the lovely things we say to ourselves. Being stretched in many directions and still wanting time to ourselves guilt us in to thinking everybody else comes first. Spending time on ourselves is a much needed break. It is how we refresh ourselves, find introspection and appreciate our family. Spending time alone also teaches our children that we respect ourselves and that they can respect themselves as well by nurturing their self.
5. The Fifth Guilt Trip: Work
Your boss asks you to participate in an overseas board meeting and she does not mean teleconference. You will be gone for a week. The guilt that ensues: how will my children manage without me, who will take care of them or nobody knows their schedule like I do. All of these thoughts and more tie us to the belief that good parents find a way to make both work and family life balanced. Do they? Balance is a strong word. Balance implies solutions when sometimes there are just not one-size-fits-all answers. Decisions need to be made and sometimes we do not like the consequences of those decisions. Cutting back on our work load may mean sacrificing career advancement or monetary gain.
Spending more time at work may mean less time and less involvement with our family. Acknowledging that we will make some decisions that are difficult and not in alignment with our true selves, allows us to move on and not dwell under a cloud of guilt. Accepting that parenthood comes with guilt, as it keeps us in check if something is misaligned, is part of the job.
