What Can I Do If My Child Is Lying?

All children tell lies. From tall tales and fantastic stories to little white lies, children learn from an early age that the truth can be manipulated to their advantage. In most cases, this is not a cause for concern. As long as parents have established a climate of honesty and trust, the occasional falsehood does not signal impending doom; however, habitual, self-serving lies are a warning sign that something is going wrong in your child's life.

Types of Lies

Adults understand that not all lies are created equal. A malicious lie intended to hurt someone's feelings, for example, is very different from a lie designed to protect a loved one from danger. Research by Wendy Gamble at the University of Arizona has demonstrated that even young children understand the distinction between harmful lies and "pro-social" lies, commonly known as white lies. Gamble further argues that parents should be mindful of the types of lies their children are telling, rather than automatically punishing every falsehood. In fact, some research has suggested that the ability to fabricate the truth at an early age is a fairly reliable indicator of future success in life.

Identifying a Problem

A pattern of dishonesty often indicates the presence of a hidden emotional or social problem. For example, a child might lie about his whereabouts and habits to cover up a drug or alcohol problem. On the other hand, compulsive lying for no apparent reason is more mystifying and demands professional help. Dr. Timothy Quek observes that compulsive lying often develops alongside childhood social and behavioral disorders like ADHD. A child who constantly lies and takes advantage of others might be suffering from deep-rooted psychological problems. Therapy and family counseling can be effective in getting to the root of harmful, persistent dishonesty.

A Serious Discussion

When you know that your child has lied to you, engage her in a supportive but serious talk about the importance of honesty and trustworthiness. Assure her that you will provide a safe environment to discuss any problem or mistake, no matter how personal. It's essential that you remain positive and explain that your concern is motivated by love and not anger. Negative outbursts, such as yelling and labeling your child a liar, might only encourage more dishonest behavior.

Use Punishment Sparingly

Punishment is less effective than positive reinforcement, especially when dealing with a behavior like lying. Children often lie as a means to avoid punishment, so being found out simply reinforces the need to lie better next time. The most effective way to address lying is to discover the motivation for the dishonesty. Parents should thoughtfully consider the example they have set for their children. Although the issues might be tough to face, children adopt the behaviors they observe. Lying, therefore, is sometimes a sign of family dysfunction.