Your daughter settles down as soon as you raise an eyebrow, while your son tears around the house shrieking until you lose your temper. Your youngest child meekly submits to time-outs, but your oldest throws screaming temper tantrums until the time-out is over. Because your children have such different personalities, you need to discipline them in correspondingly different ways. However, it may be difficult to figure out exactly what approaches to use and how to enforce these different disciplinary strategies without your children accusing you of being unfair.
Step 1
Determine what aspects of your children's personalities make discipline so difficult. Is one of your children overly active and energetic? Do you have a defiant or stubborn child who fights back when disciplined? Does your child seem to ignore you when you correct him, or does he constantly forget the rules? Understanding your child's temperament will help you determine the correct approach to discipline. If you aren't sure, spend more time with your child to get a better sense of her personality and why she acts the way she does.
Step 2
Vary your delivery of instructions depending on the temperament of your children. Simply calling "Put your shoes on" from another room may be sufficient for one child, but an inattentive child or a child who focuses intently on play might not hear you. For these children, say the child's name, make eye contact and even make the child repeat your instructions back to you. That way, you will only need to discipline willful acts of disobedience, not infractions resulting from carelessness.
Step 3
Explain the reasoning behind rules to stubborn or willful children when you punish them, and give them the opportunity to explain why they misbehaved. Sometimes, stubborn children fight back because they feel powerless. Knowing that the rules exist for a reason or having the opportunity to argue her case can make a stubborn child feel validated, making her less likely to fight back for the sake of pure argument.
Step 4
Adjust punishments to fit the child's temperament and situation. An active, impulsive child who accidentally breaks a vase deserves a different response than a child who deliberately breaks it in a fit of rage. A simple punishment such as a warning or five-minute time-out is appropriate for an accidental infraction, while grounding or other denial of privileges makes more sense for an intentional act of destruction.
Step 5
Alter punishments that don't work for your children. If your child throws tantrums in the time-out corner, send him to his room so you can ignore his fits. If your child enjoys reading and playing alone and doesn't mind being sent to her room, sit her in a corner for time-outs so she can't play or read.
Step 6
Consider your child's overall assertiveness or sensitivity when approaching discipline. A 1995 study in "Developmental Psychology" indicated that fearful, sensitive children benefit from gentle disciplinary techniques because more assertive discipline frightens them, while more assertive children benefit from equally assertive disciplinary strategies. If your child bursts into tears when you scold her, see if a gentler approach is effective in stopping her misbehavior without frightening her.
Step 7
Give your children opportunities to be themselves. If you have a rule against running indoors, take your active child to the playground every day or allow him to jump or dance instead of running. If you have a stubborn or willful child, let her choose her own outfit or bedtime story so she can exercise her controlling streak in appropriate ways. Otherwise, you'll find yourself constantly punishing your children for having certain personality traits.
Tips and Warnings
- Although you may need to vary consequences for breaking the rules depending your child's temperament, you should not vary the rules themselves. If your energetic child is allowed to run in the house, it is unreasonable to demand that your calmer children never run indoors.
References
- Ask Dr. Sears: Top Ten Discipline Principles
- "The Challenging Child"; Stanley I. Greenspan; 1995
- Ask Dr. Sears: 25 Ways to Talk so Children Will Listen
- Education.com; Why Time-Out Doesn't Work for All Kids and Other Secrets From Temperament-Based Parenting; Sandee McClowry
- Babyzone; Parenting Your Child's Temperament, Part Two; Andrea Elovson;
- University of Chicago Department of Pediatrics: Discipline and Temperament
