It’s not uncommon for toddlers to experience separation anxiety at bedtime, but older children also sometimes struggle with sleeping alone. When your child needs a parent to fall asleep and stay asleep, carving out adult-time becomes a nightly challenge. You might even lose sleep yourself. You won’t see results overnight, but if you’re patient with your child, you have a good chance of putting her sleep issues to bed for good.
Why It Happens
When an older child expresses serious discomfort with nodding off all alone, it’s usually due to nightmares, stress or anxiety. Your child might be having problems at school or with peers, or difficulty adjusting to a divorce, a death in the family or other major life changes. While real-life situations might cause your child to toss and turn in bed, an irrational fear or perceived threat could also leave him clinging for comfort. A scary movie might have made a lasting impression, or an adult conversation he overheard could have left him nervous about your family’s financial struggles.
Assessing the Situation
A 9-year-old doesn’t have the skills to clearly express her emotions, so it’s up to you to get to the root of the problem. If your child has always slept fine on her own but suddenly develops issues at bedtime, she may be exhibiting “regressive behavior,” notes Dr. Joseph M. Carver. Stressful situations and thoughts sometimes cause children to revert to behaviors from an earlier stage of development in an attempt to gain a feeling of comfort. If your child has always been needy at night, it’s possible that you’ve simply enabled the arrangement without intending any harm. Psychologist Valerie Levine points out that parents who once enjoyed co-sleeping with a young child might have difficulties taking back the grown-up bed when kids get older.
Breaking the Habit
Confronting your child with the issue in a blunt manner probably will create more anxiety and potentially aggravate his inability to sleep alone comfortably. Instead of telling him that he’s too old to be sleeping with parents and his bedtime routines must suddenly change, ease him into a newly found sense of trust and maturity. Help him grow by giving him the freedom to make appropriate accomplishments -- choosing an outfit or deciding what’s for lunch -- and praise him for his maturity. With gentle encouragement, he’ll feel secure that you’re available when he needs you and gain the confidence he needs to separate from you when it’s time to sleep.
Relaxation Techniques for Children
As a parent, you can help your child by giving her the tools she needs to fall asleep on her own. Teach her how to calm herself with breathing and visualization techniques. If she knows how to take control of her mind and distract herself from her fears and worries, you’ll both be able to get some shuteye.
When to Get Help
Children’s sleep problems can manifest themselves in a variety of ways. You might observe your child talking or walking in his sleep, grinding his teeth or experiencing night terrors. See your child's pediatrician or a child psychologist if chronic symptoms persist; they could indicate severe emotional difficulties or a dangerous sleep disorder.
References
- American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry: Children’s Sleep Problems
- Counselling Resource; Ten Year Old Child Won’t Sleep Alone Now; Dr. Joseph M. Carver; July 2007
- "Break the Co-Sleeping Habit"; Valerie Levine; 2009
- "A Parent’s Guide to Getting Kids Out of the Family Bed"; Lawrence E. Shapiro; 2008
- Today’s Parent; I Can’t Sleep; Teresa Pitman; May 2003
