5 Things You Need to Know About Personality Development in Children

1. What is Personality?

There are several different personality theories, but most agree that within the contexts of culture and history, personality is a fairly consistent combination of behaviors, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, initiations and emotions.

2. What is the Origin of Personality?

Again, there are several theories, ranging from Freud's more insular, psycho-sexual, egocentric origin to environmental origination. Genetics and environment do have a say, but how much is unknown. We do know that the same environment can be responded to differently by two people who come from the same genetic pool. So there is some evidence for the notion that some internal essence does not originate in the environment or necessarily from specific genetic traits.

3. What Influences Personality?

Many parents report extreme differences in siblings from birth. But there are also some theories about how sibling/parent interaction affects the observing child. For example, if your first-born is outgoing and a little bit wild, does the second-born figure out that the outgoing/wild spot is already taken, so that she picks out a more introverted, socially pleasing spot?

4. Coping and Personality

What is clear among psychotherapists is that sometimes children develop consistent patterns that might otherwise be called personality, but which are really coping mechanisms. In fact, these patterns were only masks and costumes worn for so long that they became identity. For example, if I am a first-born child who grew up with a mentally ill mother and unavailable alcoholic father, I may end up taking care of everyone in the family. It would be no surprise then if, as an adult, I end up playing the care-taker role repetitively in other relationships, based on the belief that if I don't, no one will. But is this who I really am?

5. What Can Parents Do?

Infants and young children are looking everywhere for mirrors in which they can see themselves clearly. All of the little verbal and nonverbal interactions you have with your children every day are telling them what you expect of them. These expectations become their mirrors. The way to assure that your children are not putting on masks and costumes to cope with your expectations is to stop expecting. Let them tell or show you who they are, instead of defining this for them or attempting to mold them. For example, when your son performs in some way, rather than telling him that he did good (or bad), ask him how he felt while performing. You may be surprised at his answers, but you'll find out who he is. What many parents fear, however, is that if they let go of defining their children, they won't be respected as disciplinarians. In fact, if children are defining themselves, those very self-definitions can give you information about how to discipline them in meaningful and enlightening ways. Further, they are much more likely to make room for your guidance if they haven't also had to make room for your expectations.