Parents' beliefs about their role and the ultimate goals of parenting greatly influence their parenting style. Gwen Dewar, writing for Parenting Science, defines permissive parenting as "being nurturing and warm" and "reluctant to impose limits." Dewar takes a somewhat soft stance on the style. Many others, including psychologist James Fogarty, warn of its dangers. In his book "Overindulged Children," Fogarty notes, "It's natural for parents to want their children to be happy." He warns, however, "When parents limit their parenting role, problems ignite because children need more than happiness." Parents can strike a balance by incorporating empathy.
Dangers
Though opinions vary, a large number of professional counselors and psychologists raise concerns about the consequences of permissive parenting. Psychologist Laura Markham is one. In her article titled, "What's wrong with permissive parenting?," she warns that such parents often satisfy a child's unhealthy desires and grant privileges that may be harmful to the child, such as regularly staying up late. Permissive parents, she says, grant the child's requests at the expense of others. They inadvertently teach that disappointment and sadness are intolerable and undermine a child's ability to develop self-control. They impress on the child that wish fulfillment is the means to happiness and undermine their own credibility because of inconsistent boundaries. Setting limits, she writes, is an important part of parenting.
Ego
Permissive parenting may be the result of parents' unhealthy desire to be their child's friend while not also balancing parental responsibility. It can be more about their ego than the child's well-being, contends psychologist and TV personality Dr. Phil McGraw. He challenged one mother to begin immediately setting healthy limits for her troubled 13-year-old daughter. He said, "She is going to look at you some day and say, 'Why were you so insecure that you had to run this popularity contest as a mother to be the cool mom, so that fed your ego instead of having the guts to step up and do right by me as a child?'" Parents must ensure their desire to be liked does not supersede their responsibility to guide.
Limits
Healthy parenting requires the wisdom and emotional strength to set proper limits. Markham, in an article titled "How to set effective limits for your child," contends, "When parents don't make that developmental leap and learn to set limits, their children don't develop the ability to tolerate frustration or to manage themselves." Set proper boundaries by first limiting a behavior and then allowing a child to react and express feelings, she advises. Children must not be permitted to participate in activity or engage in behavior that can be harmful to them emotionally or physically or that can intrude on the rights of others. Parents must be careful, however, to show empathy towards a child's feelings. This may not provoke a revocation of the rule but nonetheless helps the child process and adapt.
Empathy
Opposite the parenting spectrum from permissive parenting is the authoritative style. Markham warns that this extreme has its own pitfalls. She says kids raised in authoritarian homes are more likely to bow to peer pressure. They have a harder time managing anger and are at greater risk of experiencing depression. Parents must balance these two extremes. They should set limits while simultaneously employing empathy. She says to begin by developing a strong and supportive relationship with the child. See things from the child's perspective. Resist the temptation to be punitive. Set only the limits that you need to so that his life remains about discovery. Saying "no" too often can undermine the parent-child relationship.
References
- Parenting Science; "Permissive Parenting: A Parenting Science Guide to the Research"; Gwen Dewar
- "Overindulged Children: A Parent's Guide to Mentoring"; James A. Fogarty; 2003
- Aha Parenting; "What's Wrong with Permissive Parenting?"; Laura Markham
- Dr. Phil.com: Permissive Parenting
- Aha Parenting; "How to Set Effective Limits for Your Child"; Laura Markham
