Siblings may be your best friends or the bane of your existence, and if you have a highly sensitive brother or sister, dealing with them may feel like a full-time job. For a sensitive sibling, what should be a minor event may seem like a catastrophe and you may believe that "if they would just calm down and stop taking things so personally" everything would be fine. Psychologists now know that each family will likely have at least one sensitive child who reads the emotional climate of the family and feels those emotions very deeply. If this sounds like your sibling, there are things you can do to help without depleting your own emotional energy.
Understand Emotional Sensitivity
A highly sensitive person is not just being dramatic; she actually has a low tolerance for change and stress. Your sensitive sibling may even be affected by the smallest environmental changes, such as light, noise, odors and everyday stimulants like sugar and caffeine. Try to understand that your sibling does not experience the world in the same way that you do. When everyday stresses and situations overlap too quickly, your sibling may retreat, break down or act out. Within the family dynamic, these stresses may be experienced in an especially intense way.
Listen Without Judgement
If your sister calls in a panic over friction with mom, listen closely to the overriding emotion. Does your sister feel afraid, abandoned or criticized? Often siblings feel "unheard" because when they express their stressful feelings, they are either placated or labeled as overly sensitive by other family members. Experiment with listening quietly and then mirroring the dominant emotion. For example: "So you feel like Mom doesn't approve of your career path." This doesn't mean that you have to agree with what's being said; you are simply affirming what your sibling is experiencing at the moment. This can be a powerful bonding tool as well as way to defuse highly emotional situations.
Be Supportive
It is possible to be empathic to your sibling without throwing fuel on the fire. If your brother has just had it out with his boss, try identfying with the feeling without problem-solving. He likely just needs to vent, process what he's feeling and affirm that he's not crazy for being upset. You can say "Wow, that sounds like a really lousy situation, I can see why you'd be angry." Try to refrain from offering suggestions or strategies. If he asks for advice, simply pose the question back to him. "What do you feel like you need to do?"
Know Your Limits
If a sibling is a source of constant emotional tension or family upheaval, it's very important to set boundaries. It's fine to lend an empathic ear, but don't allow yourself to be designated as the go-between or mediator. Let your sibling manage her own life, while letting her know that she is loved and accepted. If your sibling calls at a certain time or after every encounter with a certain family member, let your voice mail pick up and take your time calling or emailing back. This can discourage your sibling from using you as a crisis manager, as she won't get the immediate gratification of involving someone else in her overwhelming feelings.
