Your teenage daughter's brain is transitioning from childhood to adulthood. According to teen psychologist Dr. David Walsh, teens are biologically driven to be impulsive and stubborn. However, your daughter also wants your approval and respect, and she needs to know that you are there for her. Remind her frequently that you love her and want the best for her, and keep your reactions proportionate when she disobeys you.
Limits
Your teenage daughter needs to know what you expect of her. Set clear limits for her and establish the consequences of overstepping them. Teens are old enough to understand and value logical reasoning, so your daughter is more likely to respect your rules if she knows why you set them. Phrase everything to emphasize your love for her and your concern for her well-being. For example, say "Call if you're going to be home late, so I don't worry about you," rather than "Call every two hours, or I'll take away your phone."
Consequences
Instead of punishing your daughter when she disobeys you or fails to complete a job, allow her to experience the consequences of her actions. Arbitrary punishments will probably make her resentful and less likely to trust and respect you, while logical or natural consequences can convince her that discipline is in her best interests. For example, instead of forcing her to prepare for a group project, point out non-judgmentally that she will be embarrassed in front of her group if she is unprepared. Then, if she does embarrass herself, give her suggestions on how she can prepare better next time.
Responsibility
Your daughter may resist your attempts to instill discipline if you do not give her some opportunities to decide things for herself. Explain to your daughter that she can have more freedom when she demonstrates an adult level of responsibility. If she participates in household jobs, completes her schoolwork on time and maintains good grades, give her permission to determine her own schedule or stay out later at night. Point out that you don't need to discipline her if she is able to be mature and responsible on her own.
Self-Discipline
Your overall goal as you discipline your daughter is probably to increase her level of personal responsibility. Ultimately, you want your daughter to grow into a competent and reliable adult. Explain this to her, and remind her that you expect her to demonstrate more and more self-discipline as she gets older. She needs to know that you respect her personhood and that you love and support her. Talk to her patiently and clearly about how she can win your trust as a young adult. This will show her that discipline is about her safety and success, not about punishment.
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