Occasional fights mar even the most robust marriages. In an article on arguments in healthy relationships in "Psychology Today," authors Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz point out the need to argue "effectively and fairly." However, arguments don't always stay fair. If heated emotions have turned a healthy dispute between you and your husband into a fight you're having trouble transcending, getting past it requires some work on both sides.
Apologies
Giving and receiving heartfelt apologies helps heal emotional wounds after a big fight. If you feel you were right in the argument, an apology doesn't have to mean you were wrong or that you're apologizing for the fight itself. You can still offer a deeply felt apology for any harshness, hurtfulness or low emotional blows you dealt during the fight. Being the first to apologize means opening yourself to more hurt. It's difficult to take that step, but by taking it you initiate the healing process and give him an opportunity to respond in kind. If he's the first to apologize, recognize the emotional risk he took to proffer his apology and accept it. The cause of your argument may not yet be resolved, but mutual apologies create a solid foundation of love and respect on which to rebuild the relationship.
Amends
Depending on the subject of the fight, you both may still feel wronged despite an apology. Ask yourself if there are specific actions you or your husband can take to assuage this lingering pain. Knowing that there's something he can do to make it up to you or vice versa helps you both move past the argument more completely. Making amends shows good intentions on both sides and gives you each a chance to set things right. Finding that there are no amends to be made brings its own kind of peace; when you realize that he's done all he can, you can begin to work on your own acceptance of the circumstances that spawned the fight.
New Strategies
Big fights aren't always isolated incidents. For some couples, the same issues cause repeated confrontations. Breaking free of the cycle of fighting over an issue, apologizing and lapsing into the same behavior that initiated the fight requires concerted effort from both parties. Family therapist Evan Imber-Black suggests taking turns handling a matter that is a point of contention in the relationship. Each partner takes a week or two to implement a strategy free of criticism or argument from the other partner. After a set time, they switch, giving the other partner the reins. Both partners gain a deeper understanding of the central problem and learn new ways of dealing with the contentious issue. Touch also can help you overcome lingering ill will. Physical contact with your partner is part of bonding behavior, and it's difficult to stay angry with someone while forging a tighter bond with him.
Being Right Versus Being Happy
A study published in the journal "Behavioral and Brain Sciences" suggests that reasoning exists primarily to win arguments. The winner of a big fight -- if the fight has a winner at all -- may feel satisfied with the outcome, but the loser feels resentful. Part of that resentment arises from the argument itself, but part of it also comes simply from having lost. No one enjoys losing. However, if you find that losing an argument has not resulted in catastrophe, you may need to rethink your position and make the conscious decision to accept his victory, even if you feel your position was the correct one. It's possible that both of you made valid points, so unless your losing the fight will truly have dire consequences, you may find more peace from acceptance than from continuing to believe that he's doing things wrong.
When to Seek Help
When you feel unable to move past a fight for weeks or months after it ended, counseling can help free you from the past. Couples counseling is often beneficial, but individual counseling sessions can also provide perspective. If a fight turned physically abusive on either side, it's imperative to seek help. Conflict is always difficult, but it should not become dangerous for either partner.
