Few children breeze through their teenage years without a hitch. For many teens, these years represent a time of emotional turmoil as they near the arbitrary line between childhood and adulthood. As your teen develops a sense of who he is, he will start to make more of his own decisions and depend less on your guidance. Right now he’s testing the waters, and criticism, or being told “no,” can feel like a personal attack. As a parent, your task is to encourage independent thinking and self-reliance. Sometimes, it’s not what you say, but how you say it, that makes all the difference.
Your Teen’s Emotional Development
At the same time your teen’s body is undergoing rapid physical changes, her brain is also developing. The average teen’s brain is only 80 percent developed, according to neurologists at Children’s Hospital Boston. The brain’s frontal lobe, which influences impulsiveness and judgment, is slower to develop than the rest of the brain, a lag that can result in immature decision-making. Because the frontal lobe also controls emotions, your teen may become unduly upset when you challenge her choices and actions.
Keeping the Lines of Communication Open
Despite your teen’s natural inclination to spend more time with his friends, he still wants and needs to spend time with you. Family Works, an extension of the University of Illinois, advises parents to keep the lines of communication open by showing genuine interest in their teens' lives. Don’t interrupt your teen when he’s talking, and carry on a thoughtful, nonjudgmental conversation at every opportunity. Be supportive but provide structure and set practical guidelines. By sharing your concerns instead of setting rules without explanation, your teen is better able to understand your reasoning. The "because-I-said-so" method of parenting is unlikely to elicit a positive response from your teen.
Guidance and Discipline
It can be tough to give up control of your child’s life, but teens need a little leeway to spread their wings, and they need to know that you trust them to make the right decisions. When teens make the wrong choices, as they will from time to time, Family Works reminds parents: “Discipline is not mean. It is not embarrassing. It does not destroy a child’s sense of worth.” Make sure your teen knows what kind of behavior you expect from her, but don't reprimand her in front of her friends or in public. You can’t expect your teen to welcome criticism, but she still needs structure and she needs to see you as an authority figure. Use age-appropriate disciplines -- such as a week's grounding or the loss of driving privileges -- sparingly, or they can lose their effectiveness.
Reinforcing Positive Behavior
The better your teen feels about himself, the more likely he is to make mature decisions. Avoid being overly critical and don’t belittle or humiliate him. Harsh treatment can lead to rebellious behavior. When the opportunity arises, recognize and praise your teen for positive behavior, instead of only correcting him when you don’t approve of his actions.
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