There are as many styles of discipline as there are parents. Their methods depend on a number of factors, including the frequency with which they act as the disciplinarians, their temperaments, their upbringings and the intensity of their feelings about the child's behavior. When these differences cause parents to disagree on discipline issues, the parents should take steps to reach a compromise so that they can present a united front to their children.
Effects of Disagreement on Children
Children of all ages thrive in environments that are stable and predictable. Young children become confused when one parent doles out relatively harsh punishments while the other is comparatively lenient. As a result, the child doesn't know what to expect. Friction that develops between the parents as a result of their disagreement can lead to feelings of guilt for the child, as well as an escalation of misbehavior as he attempts to figure out limits on his own. Teenagers respond in a similar fashion. Teens may express anxiety over their parents' child-rearing arguments by behaving in self-defeating or self-destructive ways. They often push limits until the parents have no choice but to come to an agreement that restores stability to the family. Regardless of the child's age, when parents argue over discipline decisions, they shift focus from the child's behavior to their own relationship.
Agree to Disagree
Parents don't have to be in complete agreement. As long as they maintain balance in their responsibility for making discipline decisions, there's nothing wrong with leaving relatively minor matters open for discussion or assigning responsibility for categories of rules to one parent or the other to deal with as they see fit. It's even okay to disagree in front of children, as long as the discussion is appropriate and is geared to finding a resolution. In fact, these disagreements may even be beneficial because they teach children to resolve rifts in an effective manner. Clinical psychologist Ruth Peters recommends that parents come up with a "code phrase" to use when one feels that the other has crossed a line. The code phrase is a time-out signal. The parents retreat to a private area for a cooling-off period and to decide how to proceed. By teaming together in this fashion, parents reinforce that, even though they’re not in agreement at the moment, they are coheads of the family and they’re dealing with the issue as one that’s between child and parents, not between the parents themselves.
Communicate Effectively
For the larger issues that parents can't resolve on the fly, they need to understand their own motivations and those of their spouse. It may be helpful for the parents first to list the goals they expect discipline to accomplish. Each partner should have the opportunity to state, without interruption, why it's important to use particular tactics for discipline. The parents should also explain what they fear might happen if the child is disciplined differently. After both parents have their say, they can devise a plan for dealing with the most important discipline issues.
Negotiate a Compromise
For the most contentious discipline disagreements, parents should find a neutral time to work out a compromise by establishing guidelines they'll follow for setting rules and dealing with infractions. Begin with the most important, such as those that impact health and safety. Come up with a list of rules and the disciplinary action you'll take for infractions of each one. Keep the discussion focused on how each of your discipline ideas can help you meet the goals you established. Dr. Conner Walters, a certified family life educator at Illinois State University, recommends posting the rules and consequences prominently to motivate your children to follow them.
References
- Dr. Phil: What to Do When You Disagree on Discipline
- MSN Today: When Mom and Dad Disagree on Discipline
- Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.: When Parents Disagree on Discipline
- Parenting Exchange: When Parents Disagree on How to Discipline
- David Gleason, Psy.D.: Parenting Strategies, When Parents Disagree on Discipline
