Different discipline methods--natural and logical consequences, time outs and withholding privileges--are all effective. But there are other variables that factor into the process that are equally critical to the outcome. As the physicians at the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatrists state, "Consistency and predictability are the cornerstones of discipline and praise is the most powerful reinforcer of learning."
Definition
On his website, KeepKidsHealthy.com, Dr. Vincent Iannelli states, "Discipline is not the same as punishment. Instead, discipline has to do more with teaching, and involves teaching your child right from wrong, how to respect the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not." Discipline should teach children how to make good choices and result in a child who feels a sense of security and accomplishment.
Rules and Consequences
It may seem obvious but the first step is to establish rules, make sure your partner is in agreement and consistently enforce them. Don't make this an overwhelming list of rules--keep it simple and limit it to the top few. Then explain to your children about consequences. When the rule is broken, issue one warning in a calm voice. Avoid giving a lot of warnings. That only teaches your child that he doesn't have to listen the first time.
Look for the Positive
Focusing on the positive can be a challenge when you're dealing with a difficult phase in development or have a child whose natural temperament makes her more defiant. Remember that if you put too much energy into negative interaction your children will see misbehavior as the key to "pushing your buttons" and as their best chance of getting attention. In his book "Transforming the Difficult Child," Howard Glasser describes his technique of "video moments" in which parents purposefully look for moments when their child is doing something good, then take a few seconds to tell her by describing what you see in one or two sentences. Be specific: Don't say "great job"; say, "I see you've used a lot of great colors and stayed inside the lines."
Collaboration
Think in terms of creating opportunities for your children to make good choices. Offer compromises when possible so they can feel like they're part of the solution. On an age-appropriate level, let your children participate in family meetings where rules are established and consequences discussed. Once they're old enough, a behavior chart is a great tool for motivating your child.
Behavior Charts
Behavior charts remind your child what to do and provide a way for him to see success. The chart can be simple or elaborate, but it needs to contain two parts: Write the behavior, skill or chore your child is expected to perform at the top and then draw squares or lines representing the number of times it must be done to earn a reward. Each time your child completes the task, she puts a mark or a sticker in one of the squares. Once the chart is full, the reward is given. Rewards don't have to be expensive or elaborate. Your child might get extra time on the computer, his choice for dinner (or dessert) or a Saturday morning devoted to special one-on-one time with mom or dad.
