Acknowledge the Problem
Infidelity is often a symptom of greater problems in the marital relationship. According to the eHarmony dating site, both partners must acknowledge the problems. This does not mean the person who did not cheat is responsible for pushing his spouse into the behavior. It just means that both parties must admit that the marriage needs to be fixed and that each person must play a role in the process. Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D., of the Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, explains that blame is counterproductive because it wastes energy that can be focused on repairing the marriage.
Be Willing to Do the Work
It takes hard work to keep a marriage intact after an incident of cheating, eHarmony explains. Both partners must be willing to commit the time, energy and effort necessary for forgiveness, trust building, relationship building and personal improvement. Generally this will require a professional marriage counselor. A counselor's office provides a safe environment in which to discuss sensitive issues. The therapist acts as a neutral third party to keep the discussion on track and focused on effective strategies instead of arguing and accusations. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, a professional organization, maintains a database of qualified counselors.
Rebuild Trust
Trust is shattered by infidelity, and it must be rebuilt to heal the marriage. The partner who was cheating must be willing to do what it takes to regain his spouse's trust and to be accountable for his future behavior, eHarmony states. He must also let her vent her painful feelings. She must be willing to forgive once she does that. She cannot keep bringing up the infidelity as a weapon throughout the marriage. It must be released once her partner has shown he is worthy of trust again. Both partners can work on fulfilling each other's needs, the Bizymoms.com work-at-home moms website advises.
Focus on a Mutual Goal
Both partners should agree on at least one mutual goal based on preserving the marriage. This provides a neutral touchstone on which both people can focus when emotions run high. If an argument starts, either partner can remind the other one, "We both agreed to work toward fixing the marriage and maintaining a healthy environment for the children (or whatever the goals are). Fighting doesn't move us toward our goals. What can we do to redirect this into something that supports our goals?" This can diffuse arguments before they go too far.
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