Parental relationships have significant influence on early childhood development and social emotional functioning. When parents divorce, children respond in a variety of ways, depending on their developmental stage. Parental conflict, consistency and the resolution of the divorce all influence a child's response. Children may exhibit different responses during each stage of the divorce.
Infants
The primary developmental tasks of infants are to form attachments to caregivers and develop trusting relationships. Their reactions to divorce will primarily be related to the loss of a trusted caregiver and the stress experienced by the remaining caregiver. Infants may become fussy or irritable or cry for the parent who is not present.
Toddlers
Toddlers are able to recognize that their parent is no longer at home and will struggle to understand why. Developmentally, a toddler's focus is on what is occurring at the present moment, and the future is incomprehensible. Like infants, toddlers will react to the stress or tension the adults in the home are experiencing. They may exhibit decreased tolerance for frustration, increased aggression or temper tantrums. More frequent crying or pouting and changes in mood may also occur. In addition, toddlers may suck their thumbs more frequently, have nightmares and be more reluctant to separate from parents.
Preschoolers
Preschoolers are working to master independent skills and develop their imaginations. Their cognitive skills allow them to better understand that one of their parents is no longer living at home. Their behavioral changes can look similar to those noted for toddlers. Preschoolers may also express anger toward the parent who has left the home or the remaining parent. In imaginative play, preschoolers may pretend or tell stories about their parents living together again.
Talking About Divorce
It is important to be honest with young children about divorce, being clear that they are loved and in no way responsible for the divorce. Share age appropriate information about where they will live, when they will see their parents, if they will change schools and so forth. Allow them to ask questions and express their feelings. There are many children's books about divorce that can provide support for parents in beginning these conversations. Remember that each child will respond in his own way.
Considerations
Children have both positive and negative reactions to divorce. How parents handle emotions, communication and follow-through affects the way children respond to the divorce. If parents demonstrate that divorce is difficult but manageable, children will adopt that same attitude. Keeping adult responsibilities such as finances and custody in adults-only conversations will support children in knowing that the divorce is not their responsibility. If either the adults or children are struggling with handling the stress of the situation, counseling is an essential tool.
Stages of Divorce
During the initial stage of divorce, parents are usually fighting and are under a great deal of stress. Witnessing high levels of conflict can be traumatic for children. The transition stage involves changes in living situations including housing, finances and visitation. The family moves into the restabilization stage when changes have been accepted, there is less anger by all parties and housing and financial situations have stabilized. Remarriage by one or both parents may also be part of this stage.
Communication
It is important to communicate with children about what is happening throughout all stages of divorce. Having a consistent schedule, predictable contact with both parents and frequent conversations about how they are feeling help children adjust more successfully. Children need frequent opportunities to express their fears and concerns, and parents need to take the time to really listen to them and provide support.
