A strong will is an attribute that can both serve a child well and drive his parents crazy. The same sense of self that will keep your child safe from peer pressure can be frustrating for parents who need a child to comply with family rules. Learning how to set limits on a child with a strong will can be challenging, but after you understand what motivates your child, you'll be able to work with this personality trait. The key to setting limits is to find what makes your child want to meet your goals.
Step 1
Decide which behaviors you dislike most and want to change. Choosing battles carefully will give you a better chance of success. In her book "The Verbal Behavior Approach: Teaching Children with Autism and Related Disorders," Mary Barbera suggests understanding what triggers your child's strong-willed behavior and then devising strategies to either eliminate it or reinforce good behavior. If a reinforcer is working, she explains, your child's behavior will be more compliant.
Step 2
Discover your child's reinforcers. Everyone works for some sort of reward, Barbera writes. Parents work for a paycheck, and children work well for coveted items or treats. Determine what it is that your child enjoys most. Is it video games? A particular food? A trip to an amusement park? Come up with a reward or two to help your child recognize that understanding and obeying limits will bring good things to her.
Step 3
Set a limit. After you've determined both the behavior you seek to change and the reward for good behavior, put the plan into action. For instance, if you've decided that your child needs to clean up his room each day, give a reminder and then allow your child to make the decision to comply. If the reinforcer is carefully chosen, Barbera writes, you should see improvement.
Step 4
Punish when necessary but don't yell. On his website ScreamFree Parenting, family therapist and author Hal Runkel suggests requesting compliance, outlining a consequence and then letting the child make the decision. If your child does not comply, execute the consequence without discussion. If your child learns that a strong will can work against him, he will likely change his behavior and meet the limits that you've set.
Tips and Warnings
- Keep a daily record of your child's episodes of stubborness to see if your reinforcers are working.
- If you child's behavior is dangerous to himself or others, seek professional help.
