Anger is the emotion children use to express many different issues. Anger may signal a phase of independence, frustration, tiredness, fear and everything in between. Younger children may not be able to label it as anger, but older children may come to rely on anger as a means of manipulation. Being prepared to deal with an angry child decreases the chance that situations will escalate out of control.
Step 1
Prepare for an ongoing process. Realize that there isn't one sure answer or quick method to solve the problem. It isn't just about parental authority or discipline techniques; it's a long-term process of teaching your children the skills they need to manage their anger.
Step 2
Search for the reason behind the anger. When they're older, children are able to articulate why they're angry, but for many years, this is the parent's job. It's a crucial part of the process because you can't solve the problem--or help your child learn to manage her anger--until you identify the cause. Does she get angry when it's time to go to school because of separation anxiety, something that's happening at school that frightens her, because she didn't do her homework, or because she's being bullied on the bus? Parents need to patiently and gently ask questions until they get to the bottom of the issue.
Step 3
Teach your child to recognize anger. Younger children may not realize they're angry, so you need to label it for them: "I can see you're angry." You also need to explain why: "I can see you're angry because Jimmy took your toy." A calm reflection of the anger is the first step toward helping him learn to identify and regulate his own behavior.
Step 4
Define coping skills to follow when angry. Develop specific instructions about what your child can do to manage her anger. Make it clear that she needs to disengage and take time to calm down, which might include going to a different room, playing quietly alone, listening to music or even punching a pillow. Sometimes physical activity helps, but acceptable activities should be discussed. Older children can be taught deep breathing and relaxation techniques. Write down the instructions and post them on the refrigerator if necessary. You'll also need to prompt children to follow the plan because they can't think straight when they're angry.
Step 5
Develop a communication plan that is always followed after your child calms down. This is the time to talk about what triggered the anger and why he was so angry. It is the time to consider the other person's feelings and talk about possible solutions to resolve the issue. Emphasize the early warning signs of anger. Point out physical signs that indicate anger is brewing such as clenched teeth or fists, restlessness, a pounding heart or fast breathing. The goal is for the child to learn to identify the events or situations that make him angry and to see his own early signs of anger in time to initiate coping skills before having a meltdown.
Step 6
Train children how to express their anger appropriately. This comes down to "use your words," but realize that it's not a natural process for children. Parents must frequently remind children to talk about whatever is bothering them rather than letting it build up inside. An effective tool is to model the same behavior. Children should see their parents talking about their feelings so they're confident they can talk in an atmosphere of respect.
