Strong-willed children persistently test limits. They seldom learn by listening to parents; instead they need to learn by experience. They behave as though their very existence depends on maintaining control and making their own decisions. Parents find themselves embroiled in lengthy battles. Here's the thing: "Strong will" is an inborn temperament. You can't stop him from being strong-willed any more than you could forcefully stop shyness or sensitivity. Over time, children can learn to tame a strong will, but parents need to appreciate their unique traits, parent with great patience and sometimes be willing to consider different methods.
Step 1
Learn about temperament and how it affects your child's behavior and emotions. A strong-willed temperament makes children more intense and less adaptable. It translates into a child who is easily frustrated, quickly becomes angry and has difficulty letting go until the issue is resolved in their favor.
Step 2
Analyze your parenting style to be sure you're not inadvertently reinforcing his strong will. Avoid the extremes. Don't be permissive as this allows your child to win. Stay away from "my way or the highway" because this triggers unnecessary battles. Don't let his intense and tenacious anger wear you down to the point where you give in just to end the conflict.
Step 3
Establish clear rules and consequences. Post a list of rules in a prominent spot, calmly refer to the rule that has been broken and give consequences consistently. Natural or logical consequences help teach cause and effect: If she makes a mess, she must clean it up. If she breaks her own toy or game, it is not replaced.
Step 4
Acquire new parenting tools. In his book "The Explosive Child," Dr. Ross Greene offers a new perspective on the standard "choose your battles" by suggesting that parents sort behaviors into imaginary baskets. "Basket A" behaviors are non-negotiable. They're the ones you enforce regardless of the strength of your child's reaction. They ensure safety and maintain your authority. "Basket B" behaviors are important but not critical enough to justify battles. Use these situations to teach compromise. "Basket C" includes behaviors that you will temporarily ignore. The idea is to remove issues that push his "strong will" buttons so that you can restore a level of peace and find more time to work together to solve problems.
Step 5
Plan ahead for strong-willed behaviors. Learn to identify when she is entering that danger zone where excess frustration and anger can quickly spiral out of control. Distract her attention or remove her from the situation. Find a quiet place where she can go to calm down and regain control.
Step 6
Communicate with your child. Work as a team to solve problems and find alternative solutions. Let him participate in discussions about rules and consequences. Always take time after a confrontation to talk about what happened, teach how to express emotions and offer support.
Step 7
Protect your child's spirit. Remain calm no matter how you feel. A history of willful battles puts you at a higher risk for resorting to hurtful statements. Avoid saying, "Why aren't you like your brother?" or "What's wrong with you?" or any other statement that diminishes her self-esteem.
