It's normal and healthy for adolescents to start wondering about their identities, where they came from and why they are who they are today. It's a time of self-discovery, learning about values and beliefs, and figuring out talents. Many adopted teens wonder about their birth parents during this time, which can lead parents to be worried, jealous, frustrated or proud, or to experience other feelings. Adoptive parents may be afraid that if their child finds his birth parents, he might no longer love them or like his birth parents better. Getting past these fears is important in helping your child.
Step 1
Understand that it's not personal. Children and teens who want to find their birth parents often don't understand how the process might impact their adoptive parents. They're not doing it to get back at their adoptive parents or because they're not grateful.
Step 2
Listen to your child's needs and desires. If your child talks to you about this issue, try to listen without becoming jealous and without judgment. Your child is probably wondering why she has brown eyes, why she's musically talented or why she is left-handed. Don't make your child feel bad about wanting to know her biology. It might cause resentment and relationship issues.
Step 3
Seek help from a mental health professional who specializes in adoption to discuss your concerns and fears. This is a great way to get support from someone who is objective and can listen to you without judgment. Instead of taking out these fears on your child, you can discuss them and cope with them in healthy ways. Also, you can set up family sessions if needed.
Step 4
Give your child direct advice and guidance. Contacting strangers can be dangerous for children and teens who are trying to find their birth parents. If you know who the birth parents are, you might want to give them a heads-up that your child is trying to find them. You could also set up a meeting where you'd be present and your child could ask his birth parents questions in a safe environment. If your child is looking for or has found his birth parents and you don't know them, let him know the dangers of contacting strangers and ask him to talk to you before doing so.
Tips and Warnings
- Not every adopted child tries to find her birth parents. Some just want information about their birth parents or don't seem interested in them at all. If your child does bring up the topic, try not to react negatively. Instead, act curious to get more information. Sometimes birth parents don't want contact and are extremely negative when contacted by their adopted children. As the adoptive parent, you have to be ready for this, because it can be extremely hard for a child to be rejected by her birth parents. You'll probably be the person she turns to wondering why they don't care about her or why they don't like her.
