Solving a dispute may require engaging a type of communication you are not used to. For most casual conversations, there is an automated method of communicating in society, a set of back and forth utterances that can be reduced to a formula. When we get into a tough situation, though, this method of communication falls apart. We have to get beyond listening to the other person for what is of interest to us, and talking off the top of our heads, to a deeper level of listening and a more measured way of speaking.
Different Perspectives
The first thing to remember in communicating during a dispute is that the person in front of you necessarily has a different perspective and that perspective must be understood and respected for there to be any progress. People are generally rational, they draw conclusions based on what they have learned and experienced. They may appear irrational because their circumstances may be radically different than our own. Understanding where their perspective derives from is immensely helpful in reaching resolution.
Emotions Are a Factor
The next thing to keep in mind is if the conversation has escalated to the level of "dispute" there are probably strong emotions on both sides. The emotions are now part of the equation for solving the dispute. You can't just address the person's rational mind, you must also address his emotional mind. Fear is a big factor in the emotions of a dispute. Someone argues strenuously because she is afraid of something, usually losing something. Find out what he is afraid of and address that fear directly. Do this with assurances that are appropriate such as "you're not going to lose your house," or "I still care deeply about you."
Judgments Interfere
Judgment will block the ability to hear and understand the other person's point of view, which is essential to reaching a resolution. Judgment must be set aside, at least temporarily. For just a few minutes when one participant is speaking the other should forget who he is and what he wants. When the participants listen as if they have never heard the information before, they might actually hear something they haven't heard before in the other person's position.
Reflect to Validate
Reflecting, repeating the essence of what the other person said, helps the other person know she has been heard and helps that person feel validated. Many times in an argument you'll hear one person say "You're not even listening to me!" Her adversary may hear every word she says and consider it deeply, but if he doesn't reflect it back in some way, she doesn't have any way of knowing she is being heard.
Motivation Affects Outcome
The motivation of the partners to come to a resolution is hugely important to the outcome of the dispute. If one person really wants to come to a solution and the other doesn't, then one of two scenarios can result: either the one participant is frustrated because the person with low desire to end the conflict won't act at all, or the person with the high desire to win ends the conflict, caves in and is taken advantage of. Neither of these situations is a good outcome to the dispute. The best situation predicting a positive conflict resolution is if both partners have a high desire to come to a resolution, but neither is highly emotional about it.
When to Back Off
It's important to know when emotions are running too high. When emotions start to run out of control, it's time for a quick retreat. Pressing on in a discussion that has devolved into pure emotion could lead to violence. Even if it doesn't come to blows, unregulated emotions could lead to words being spoken that are emotionally damaging or even just damaging to your position. Discretion is the better part of valor. When it gets too hot, call a time out. If the situation doesn't improve, it may be time to bring in a neutral third party, a professional mediator or arbitrator.
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