Communication is vital to successfully functioning interpersonal relationships. Every form of artistic expression, from music to sculpting, seeks the singular goal of communicating with others--of sharing significance, beauty or truth. In the arenas of politics, religion and business, effective communication is paramount. For this reason, parents must learn to speak not only the languages in which children communicate, but also the best way to convey important messages in terms children can understand. Parents who communicate effectively will prepare their children to thrive a world that revolves around communication, whereas parents who cannot will set their children up for frustration and failure.
Nonverbal
Much of what children communicate is nonverbal in content. Nonverbal communication consists of facial expressions, gestures, actions and even symbolism such as choices in clothing or personal possessions. Researchers at the University of Delaware contend, "[Nonverbal communication] regulates behavior and social interaction, provides mechanisms for internal (self) regulation, and expresses emotions." (Reference 1)
Infants between birth and 12 months communicate primarily through nonverbal channels. However, this trend often continues well into the 36-month range. Nonverbal communication spikes again during adolescence as teens seek to define themselves by cultural and peer associations.
Perceptive parents grasp and reciprocate infant communication in nonverbal ways. Similarly, parents should understand that even though their teen may not say much to them when questioned, his attire, interests and gestures communicate a great deal about his emotions and cognitions.
Verbal
Verbal communication consists of the things you physically say, including the meanings you attach to the words you use. Young children are only beginning to develop a vocabulary and construct sentences with appropriate syntax and grammar. Because of this, parents should avoid complex vocalizations in favor of more direct expressions. This does not mean parents should "speak down to children," but rather that they should simplify their language and talk on their child's current level of understanding.
Short sentences such as, "Are you hungry?" are always better than elaborate dialogue about the child's last meal, the parent's schedule and what may or may not be served for dinner. Oftentimes, this is too much for the child to take in and process all at once.
Meaning is another critical aspect of verbal communication. When children learn a new word, they learn not only what object the word is associated with, but also the implications that object carries. For example, the word "dinner" could carry with it the meanings "a time for family fellowship" or "a fight over whether or not I eat my food."
Parents must be careful about the meanings they assign to words. Caregivers who beat their child but say they love them are giving the child a very negative understanding of the word "love." Moreover, nonverbal communication always trumps verbal communication when the two forms conflict. A parent who says "good job" while failing to make eye contact or show enthusiasm is only communicating that she is insincere.
Modeling
Modeling refers to the actions and attitudes a parent exercises in the presence of his child. Parents who lead lives of hostility and aggression should not be surprised when their child begins fighting at school or rebelling against their direction. Even if the parent has told the child, "Be loving and kind," the parent's actions have overshadowed her words.
What the parent has really been communicating, through dozens of daily examples, is that conflict is handled with violence, not kindness. Besides this, the parent has not taught the child how to act in a kind manner. The only model the child has for handling conflict is her parent's model of aggression. Children learn to communicate through imitation. For this reason, parents must be careful to model positive actions and attitudes in the presence of their children because children naturally repeat what they have seen and heard.
Tone
Communication is a skill that requires actively developing your verbal abilities. Verbal speech communicates much more than the words you choose to use. This is especially true of tone. Tone encompasses voice volume, emotionality and inflection.
In many instances, a parent's words say one thing while his tone says another. For example, saying, "Don't do that" with an emotionless tone that is weak and detached communicates that the parent isn't very concerned whether his command is obeyed or not.
Likewise, saying, "I forgive you" through gritted teeth and with an exasperated tone conveys that the parent's forgiveness is not sincere. For communication to be effective, parents must practice consistency in the words they say, the emotions they express and the nonverbal actions that accompany their vocalization.
Positive and Negative Communication Patterns
All forms of communication have either a positive or a negative impact upon a child's psyche. Being attentive and showing genuine interest is one example of a positive communication pattern, whereas ignoring a child negatively communicates that the child is unimportant or unwanted.
Specialists at the University of Missouri explain, "Research suggests that the best parent-child relationships are characterized by lots of positive communication and interaction. Content parents and children communicate on a regular basis about many different things. They don't communicate only when there is a conflict." (Reference 2)
Therefore, parents who communicate effectively with their children understand that verbal, nonverbal, tone and modeling forms of communication all play an important role in developing the child-parent relationship. Moreover, these interactions should demonstrate a consistently positive pattern of relating. A breakdown in any single area could seriously disrupt the relationship and lead to conflict.
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