Effective & Ineffective Communication in Family

Overview

We all know when a satisfying communication has taken place. We feel heard and we feel we were able to hear the other and leave the interaction having done no harm. Effective communication is a type of symmetry. Symmetry involves balance so that both sides are working in tandem. Ineffective communication feels frustrating and can leave us angry, confused and stuck with a mental replay for hours or even days. Ineffective communication is an example of asymmetry. What are the tools that help us achieve a flow of symmetry in our communications?

Ask Permission

The first step in any communication is to ask to participate with that person. Whether it is your partner, child, co-worker or parent, it is important to seek agreement on access to a particular communication. If access is denied, seek to ask when a good time might exist. We cannot have a communication if both parties are not in agreement that there is a need for having the exchange. Attempt to understand what is preventing the other from wanting a communication. In the family, we will engender respect when we ask our children and teens if they will speak with us about an issue rather than to demand they talk to us right now.

Courtesy Counts

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Courtesies such as please, thank you, may I and gratitude for all the small and large gifts individuals bestow on us is essential to creating a flow or symmetry in our relationships. Use compliments and courtesies abundantly in all your communications. With your partner and children, think of all the wonderful things that make them who they are. Remember to share these things. Speak up.

Seek to Understand Before You Seek to be Understood

Stephen Covey's book, "The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People," notes that successful individuals seek to understand the other before they seek to be understood by that person. If we can refrain from making ourselves the center of the universe, we usually find that we learn more and have more satisfying interactions with others. We want to learn about others, and, hopefully, they will choose to want to learn about us. The first step toward communication or understanding begins with you.

Engage in Dialogue Rather Than Monologue

One of the best examples of monologue in film is Robert Di Nero playing the role of Travis Bickle in, "Taxi Driver." While alone in his one-room flat, he begins his now famous line:

"You talking to me? You talking to me? Well there's no one else here. Who the ..... are you talking to then?"

Monologue is when a person goes on and on with a verbal stream of words and feelings, as though there was no one else in the room. Monologue is what we do with ourselves, not what we want to do with others.

Dialogue is an exchange between people. Dialogue allows for the use of the space created between people for the emergence of communication. Dialogue can engender trust and leave us feeling heard. We don't have to agree with someone to have a dialogue with them. Martin Buber, a philosopher who worked with communication ideas, believed that true communication came from the space that exists "between" people. This space between is "the region of human existence that links self and others."

Take Responsibility for Your Feelings

Our feelings belong to us. People do not make us angry, sad, confused or afraid. We make ourselves have those feelings. Others may be responsible for triggering these emotional responses in us, but in the end, we need to own our feelings as our own creation. They may serve as clues to certain issues within that need attention. As Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., said, "What others do may be a stimulus of our feelings, but never the cause."

Suspend Judgment in Favor of Understanding

It is easy to react and judge. It is more difficult to practice the art of listening to the sound of words unspoken. Language fails us when it comes to expressing many things. At times we all talk out loud while we are processing. This type of communication can be a target. Try to think things through. Ask for time to think. Give your family member the time she needs to process what is going on. Remember, effective communication represents symmetry, and the goal of all effective communication is that of understanding and learning.