The best word to describe mental abuse is "pernicious." It is something that seems insignificant at the start, but it builds up within the system of the one abused. According to Barbara Rose, Ph.D., and author of "Know Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence," mental abuse employs some sneaky devices that make the abused feel intimidated, controlled, incompetent and just plain crazy. Every consecutive attack creates more ruptures in the abused's self image. Phenomenal damage can be done if the mental abuse persists over time, especially if the one being abused has little or no outside emotional support, which is often the case.
The Powerless Clutching for Power
More often than not, the mental abuse comes from someone who holds a position of power over the abused. It is often the husband, boyfriend or parent. This is a person who feels powerless in his own life, so he attempts to push someone down below him and hold her there.
The Secret Sources of Power
The abuser may have more power than the abused because of physical prowess, money or position in society. The abuser may also have been given power by societal mores, which can unintentionally protect the abuser with ideas like: "respect your mother and father," and "obey your husband." The power to abuse can come from unexpected places. Even someone severely handicapped could be the mental abuser, using her vulnerable position to control the abused by playing on his sense of guilt. In fact, the abuser may have no power at all in life except her control over the abused.
The Wreckage
People who have suffered long-term mental abuse almost always have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. They have internalized their abuser's message and carry it with them, like a weight that keeps them from having the appropriate energy to invest in themselves, their work or their friends. If they can form relationships, those relationships are often with other abusers because they have had their boundaries crippled and may feel on some level they "deserve" abuse. Worse still, they are likely to become abusers themselves. They have learned a cheap way to gain "power," and it is prominent in their repertoire of adaptive behaviors.
Signs of Mental Abuse
Signs of mental abuse include:
Name calling. Being called "ugly" or "worthless" seems simple, but when someone intimate uses these words continuously, they can't help but seep into the psyche of the abused and become self-defining. This is the "verbal abuse" part of mental abuse.
Blame placing. No matter the circumstances, the abuser always places the blame on the abused.
Emotional swings. Mental abusers are like those who abuse physically: they can swing from biting and cruel to sweet and loving. Sometimes they play on the sympathies of the abused to get them to drop their guard to set them up for the next attack.
Volatility. The abuser has a short fuse such that the abused person often feels they are "walking on eggshells"--never knowing what will set off their abuser next.
Manipulation. Abusers use every situation to their advantage so abused persons find themselves doing some things they don't want to.
Intimidation. While there may not be open threats from the abuser, he creates an air of violence such that the abused person finds herself always feeling afraid.
Getting Over Being Abused
Finding yourself again is the main goal after mental abuse. Because mental abuse involves so many mind games, the abused must sort out the truth about the world and about themselves. Treating yourself well is a start. Getting physically healthy and remembering you, too, deserve some happiness are big steps. Redeveloping boundaries and relearning healthy interpersonal interactions all take time, but go a long way to returning the abused person to a healthy state.
Getting Over Being Abusive
Because mental abusers often suffer with narcissism, it is unlikely they will see any problem in themselves and seek out treatment. However, if they do not also have narcissism and somehow come to see the pain they are causing others, they can benefit from therapy. That therapy should include helping them gain a thorough understanding of how they came to be an abuser, including who might have abused them. The therapy should also include work to improve their own self esteem, plus some behavior and relationship therapy so they can learn a new way to deal with their frustrations and relate to people.
