Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of race, age, social status or sexual orientation. Children are especially vulnerable in abusive relationships, even if they are not the ones being abused. If your partner is physically violent toward you or the children, or if she is emotionally, verbally or sexually abusive, you will need to take some bold steps to protect yourself and your children. Getting help and stopping the cycle of abuse early will help ensure that your children are traumatized as little as possible.
Step 1
Learn to recognize the symptoms of an abusive relationship. Domestic abuse is more than just hitting. Threats of suicide or violence toward you, the children or pets are also considered abusive. Abusers may call you names or insult you, or they may humiliate you in front of your friends and family. An abuser may be emotionally manipulative and try to make you think that you are "asking for" the abuse. He may be possessive and restrict your access to money, or he may not allow you to leave the house or talk to your friends. Abusers may force or manipulate you into having sex. You may not experience all these symptoms. If you are unsure if you are in an abusive relationship, talk to a close friend, counselor or clergy member, or call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1-800-787-3224.
Step 2
Understand that witnessing abuse in any form is traumatic for children, even if the abuser is not hitting them or calling them names directly. Children who witness domestic abuse while growing up are more likely to become abusers or victims of abuse themselves later.
Step 3
Leave the relationship. The abuser may later be willing to undergo therapy or counseling to correct her controlling or hurtful behavior, but your first priority should be to keep yourself and your children safe.
Step 4
Contact your local battered women's shelter for emergency housing, advice or other resources. Even if you are a male victim of abuse, the women's shelter should still be able to help you. If there is not a nearby shelter, call 911 or the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-787-3224). Staying at the shelter may be safer than staying with a friend or family member, since the abuser is less likely to be able to track you down at a shelter. The shelter will also help you contact the police if necessary.
Step 5
Make provisions for your family pets, since an abuser might take out his rage on them if you or your children are not available. Some battered women's shelters may allow you to bring your pets, or they may be able to recommend a temporary foster program.
Step 6
Consider cutting off all contact with the abuser. The abuser may apologize profusely and promise to reform, but most likely that is only because she wants to maintain control over you and the children. If you do decide to allow the abuser back into your life, do so on a very limited basis and be prepared to leave again at the first sign of abuse. Never leave your children alone with the abuser.
Step 7
Watch your own temper. If you have been or are the victim of abuse, you may have skewed ideas of what constitutes a healthy family relationship. If you find yourself yelling at, threatening or belittling the children, remove yourself from the situation and contact a counselor as soon as possible.
Step 8
Tell your children that they are loved every day, and make it clear that they do not deserve to be hurt. Teach them to recognize abuse and that they should alert a trusted adult whenever they witness or experience abuse. Do not demonize the abuser, but do not make excuses for him, either.
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