Pregnancy is a time of joy for many couples. When this happiness is shattered by the death of a fetus, the marital relationship can be strained. This death, when occurring 20 weeks or more into a pregnancy, is called stillbirth. The March of Dimes reports that stillbirth happens in one out of 160 pregnancies. Support is an important part of the healing process for families affected by stillbirth.
Withdrawal of One or Both Partners
Partners may grieve differently for the stillborn baby. One partner may not wish to talk about his feelings, while his spouse needs to discuss her emotions. This quietness may mask profound grief, fear, guilt or anger. One or both partners may question their own faith and spend months wondering why the stillbirth happened. Some parents go through a period of denial or fall into substance abuse as a coping mechanism. A partner's withdrawal may signal depression, and he may become more active at work. He may begin spending a great deal of time with people who are not grieving, in an attempt to avoid dealing with his inner pain. All of these things can lead to one partner feeling that the other partner is withdrawing from the relationship. She may then become angry or afraid that she is going to lose her spouse as well as her baby.
Fighting
Some partners respond to stillbirth by fighting and arguing. One partner may try to keep her feelings inside for a period of time, until she explodes in an angry outburst. This can occur because one partner blames the other for the loss of the baby or even because she blames herself. Profound grief can even make the most good-natured people irritable. The Compassionate Friends organization explains that partners often have different grieving styles and do not understand each other, which can lead to conflict.
Intimacy Problems
One partner may be ready to resume intimacy a few weeks stillbirth, while the other cannot think of anything but the lost baby. This can lead to intimacy problems and leave both partners feeling hurt. If fertility issues had caused the couple to have sex with the goal of pregnancy in the past, it may be difficult to resume the sexual relationship without thinking strongly of the loss. One partner may also be afraid of having sex, thinking she could not bear to deal with pregnancy and loss again.
Increased Closeness
The Compassionate Friends states that this loss brings many couples closer together. Shared, strong personal experiences can add new dimensions to a relationship. This is especially true in the years following the loss, as the couple realizes they made it through tough times together.
Support
If you need help coping with the loss of your baby, or feel that your marriage may be in trouble, seek counseling or a support group. Ask your family physician for a recommendation if needed. Finding assistance with grief helps you, your spouse and your family and is a natural part of the healing process.
