When you and your siblings lose a parent, you all go through a major life transition. On average, most adults who lose a parent are at greater risk for depression. Males tend to drink more, and both males and females tend to have a decline in health for a period of about three years. Relationships can suffer during this period of stress. Relations with siblings are particularly vulnerable to the dynamics that play out during parental bereavement. Prior issues and strains in sibling relations can emerge or worsen. On top of this, new issues can arise that affect your abilities to cope with an already difficult situation.
Step 1
Assess your reactions and needs. You are going through a life-altering change, just as your sibling is. To deal effectively with your sibling's loss, you must tend to your own reactions and needs. Sort through your feelings to see if you are angry with your parent, overcome with sadness or overwhelmed with the tasks that have befallen you, such as taking care of funeral arrangements, tending to your parent's estate and dealing other issues that arise following parental bereavement. Assess your feelings about your sibling. Determine whether past issues are disrupting your current relationship.
Step 2
Tend to your needs. Get what support you can and talk with someone you trust--your partner, friends or other family members--about what is going on with you. If your feelings are too overwhelming, talk with your doctor. Medication can help temper overwhelming feelings. If needed, see a counselor.
Step 3
Assess your sibling's reactions. Don't expect that your sibling will react to grief the same way as you. A myriad of factors will color how he responds and deals with his emotions, including the nature of his relation with your parent, his personality, support, current stress level and coping skills. Some siblings are crippled by their grief. Some are helpful and supportive despite their own grief. Others muddy the situation, create excessive drama, act intrusively and engage in self-serving, selfish behavior. Determine whether you want your sibling to contribute in a more constructive way to dealing with your parent's death, funeral and estate arrangements. Identify specific issues that you want to discuss with your sibling.
Step 4
Discuss issues with your sibling that you have identified as important, and respond to issues she raises. Unresolved past issues with your sibling, such as past abuse, exploitation, cut-off relations and sibling rivalry, can sabotage current efforts to cope, so you may need to address these issues. Further, new issues arise because of the loss of your parent. For example, siblings who are financially or emotionally dependent on parents sometimes turn to a sibling when the parent passes. Siblings who were angry with the parent can take their anger out on a surviving sibling. Selfish or self-serving siblings may try to exploit their sibling's grief to siphon off the parent's estate. Whatever the issues are, deal with them in a calm, direct, matter-of-fact manner.
Step 5
Establish rules and boundaries. Don't let the relationship be one-sided. Establish rules of engagement that include mutual respect and mutual support. Do not allow your sibling to insult, demean or exploit you.
Step 6
Foster and encourage a strong, mutually supportive relationship with your sibling. Learn how to talk and listen to each other. Allow your sibling to express anger, bitterness, sadness and grief. He needs to work through his feelings in his own way. Express your own feelings candidly. Be there for each other when others have returned to their routines.
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