A spouse's infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences inflicted on a marriage, report counselors at Marriage Builders. The impact of finding out that your spouse is cheating on you is devastating, and you may not believe that you will survive the hurt. Whether you want to try to save and rebuild your marriage or leave and get a divorce, there are steps you can take to survive infidelity in a marriage, regain trust in yourself and others, and heal.
Step 1
Get all the facts and details out in the open. Counselors at the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists report that, although hearing the sordid details of the affair will make you angry and could send you into a rage, it is better than always wondering what went on. Trust can only be rebuilt when there are no secrets between the partners. Even if you're moving on, you should have all the facts in hand.
Step 2
Ascertain whether the other lover is completely out of the picture. You'll be wasting your time trying to rebuild the marriage if the affair still going on. To gain the strength to leave the marriage, you must be strong enough to know the truth.
Step 3
Set boundaries that are firm and prepare to follow up your threats. For example, if you decide to forgive your spouse and work on the marriage, make it known that if infidelity ever happens again, you will leave with no discussion. You'll feel stronger and less of a victim if you make the new rules.
Step 4
Work to get rid of lingering resentments by focusing on the present. Don't rehash the affair over and over in your mind. Instead think about how well your life is going now. Eventually the memories will begin to fade, if you don't feed them.
Step 5
Make a commitment to renew the intimacy that was lost in the marriage. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic report that when both partners resolve to rebuild the relationship, the benefits can include an increased level of intimacy and honesty.
Tips and Warnings
- Hold the cheating spouse accountable for his time and money for a specified period of time. It usually takes about a year to rebuild trust in a spouse. You can survive the initial pain and disorientation following the affair if you retain some control over the situation. Make him account for all his time away from you and share credit card bills, computer passwords and phone logs with you.
- Avoid seeing the person with whom your spouse had an affair if you can. You will only dredge up the old feelings of anger and resentment every time you see him. Change clubs or avoid events that you know he will attend. If you cannot completely avoid the other person because he is a relative or a fellow employee, at least avoid personal conversations and social occasions.
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