Conflicts between children and parents can emerge at any age, but those battles tend to flare up most often during adolescence. Act Up for Youth, a combined effort of Cornell University, University of Rochester and the New York State Center for School Safety, notes in its March 2002 newsletter, "Adolescents may see their parents as having turned harsh, controlling, and irrational. Parents may wonder why their formerly cooperative and responsible children now seem hostile and destructive. These perspectives often feed on one another, increasing misunderstanding on both sides." And if ignored, such conflicts can persist long into adulthood.
Changing Perspectives
Conflicts tend to spring from the changing attitudes and feelings children experience as they enter adolescence and the resulting difficulty parents have predicting and accepting those behaviors, Act Up for Youth reports. As kids' cognitive abilities become more sophisticated, they begin to challenge their parents' ideas and actions, while a burgeoning sense of independence clashes with parental desires to maintain control and provide the security they were used to when the children were younger. Parents who recognize these changes as normal and natural and can be flexible in their dealings with their children have an advantage as their kids continue to grow.
Features
Parent-child conflicts have some unique properties, according to the "Marriage and Family Encyclopedia" section on family conflict. The experts note that, "Three characteristics distinguish family conflict from other types: intensity, complexity, and the duration of relationships." Parent-child relationships tend to be the most emotionally intense of any relationships, save spousal relationships. The complex nature of the relationships are due to the many seemingly conflicting feelings of love, jealousy, approval, respect, resentment, friendship and many others that can be experienced to some degree every day. The duration of the relationship is more obvious: Parents and children will never escape the bond they share, and even if they try to cut off the relationship, the lingering psychological effects can last through an estrangement.
Style
Conflict style is usually established and modeled by the parents, the "Marriage and Family Encyclopedia" experts note, while adding that children will tend to exhibit the style of conflict they see growing up. The "Conflict" article in the encyclopedia cites the advantages of changing conflict styles, usually from a style where one person tends to dominate discussions to one where feelings and thoughts are more equally shared and accepted by all involved.
Prevention/Solution
The University of Alabama Extension Service newsletter "Principles of Parenting" features in a section on communicating with your teen some advice on improving collaborative problem solving. The keys to effective collaboration start with establishing ground rules like listening to each other's ideas and avoiding name-calling and sarcasm. From there, the next step is to come to a mutual understanding of what the problem is and what is the ultimate goal of the collaboration. After that, it's up to the parents and kids to brainstorm ideas, again free from disrespectful and judgmental responses.
Expert Insight
The university researchers at Act Up for Youth urge parents to educate themselves in two main areas--the many changes that accompany adolescence and effective parenting tools. One of the tools recommended is called "psychological autonomy granting," which requires that parents make allowances for their kids' emerging opinions and beliefs, particularly when those ideas conflict with their own.
