Learning to effectively communicate can greatly improve the overall quality of your relationships. Whether you are interacting with your children, your spouse, your friend, your co-worker or your boss, it is helpful to be able to communicate in such a way that eliminates blame, thereby bolstering the relationship. Remember, developing your skills in successfully communicating with others takes practice and persistence.
Making an Observation
All communication must be grounded in the real world through stating an observation that can be agreed upon by both you and the person you are talking with. You can begin this statement with "I noticed that..." Fill the remainder of the statement with the specifics of: who, what and when. For example, If you are bringing up a situation with your spouse that has been bothering you, then you might say, "Yesterday when I came home in the evening, I noticed that there were many dirty dishes all over the sink and that the kitchen floor had food on it." Avoid using any words that imply judgments and/or absolutes, such as, "The kitchen is always a total mess." When you include specifics in your observation, you help the person you're communicating with understand the incident you are talking about. This takes away any shame or blame.
Conveying Your Feelings
After you state your observation, let the other person know how you feel about what happened. Everyone has feelings. They are a natural part of being in a relationship with another person. Communicating your feelings to another can get tricky, because you want to communicate in such a way that does not cause blame or shame. You can say, "I feel frustrated" or "I feel annoyed" or "I feel angry." Do not say, "You make me angry" because that would blame the other person. If the person you're talking with feels blamed, then he will stop listening to you because he will be ready to defend himself. When you own the feeling you are conveying by using "I feel...", then he is better able to hear you.
Also, certain feeling words transmit a sense of blame, so it's important to avoid those as well. Some examples of these words are: disappointed, manipulated, taken advantage of, or betrayed. Stop and listen to your emotions. If you feel betrayed, then ask yourself how does being betrayed make you feel? If it's "angry," then you want to say that and not "betrayed."
Stating Your Need
Having needs are fundamental to being human. We all have them. There is a range of needs that we might have depending on our life circumstance. In your marriage, you may have a need for respect, autonomy, empowerment or connection. If you are sharing a space with your spouse, you may have a need for order or beauty. All negative feelings (e.g., anger, sadness, fear) happen because of an unmet need. Back to our example: If you feel angry when you come home to a kitchen with dirty dishes and a food-filled floor, what need hasn't been met? Is it a need for "order" or "respect" possibly? Once you have identified your feeling, you can take another moment to be clear about what need lies behind the feeling. You can then connect them, for example, through saying, "I feel angry because I have a need for order in this house."
Making the Request
After you have clearly stated your observation, feeling and need, it is time to make your request to the person you are communicating with. A request involves asking him something; it is not a demand. From the example we've been following, you might say, "Would you be willing to clean up the kitchen by the time I get home in the evenings?" By making a clear request, you are respecting your spouse's autonomy to make a decision for himself.
References
- "Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life"; Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.; 2003
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