Finding out that your spouse has cheated on you can be devastating. While many people may see infidelity as a marriage deal-breaker, others may feel their marriage is too important to throw away because of an affair. Although surviving a marriage infidelity is a long and complicated process for many couples, it can be done if both parties are willing to put forth the effort.
If You Were Unfaithful
Step 1
End the affair. Even if you think you will never make the same mistake again, you need to stop all communication and interaction with the person you had an affair with to give your marriage the best possible chance of surviving. Also make a vow to yourself and your partner that something like this will never happen again.
Step 2
Take responsibility for your actions. It may seem like a good idea to make excuses for yourself, but your partner will not be able to take your attempts at reconciliation seriously if you don't acknowledge your wrongdoing and allow yourself to be held accountable for your actions.
Step 3
Show that you're sorry. Saying you are sorry may not be difficult, but for trust to be re-established, your partner needs to be able to see that you are sorry through your actions as well. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and show your partner your true feelings, suggests the website HealthyPlace.com. Although specific actions you can take to show your repentance will depend upon the individual relationship and what specifically your partner wants, be willing to do what it takes to prove to your partner that you are truly sorry.
Step 4
Be patient and accept your partner's feelings. It may seem like your partner is taking too long to move past the problem or that your partner's feelings may not always seem logical to you. Despite this, you need to allow your spouse time to go through the healing process on her own terms. Trying to rush the process will only complicate the issue in the long run.
Step 5
See a counselor. Not only will a counselor be able to help the marriage, but it may also help you as an individual determine why you did what you did and what you can do to prevent it from happening again.
If Your Parnter Was Unfaithful
Step 1
Take it one day at a time. Your feelings are most likely going to go through a series of ups and downs for quite some time until you are able to fully process the infidelity. Remember that how you are feeling at any given moment may not be how you will feel about the situation tomorrow.
Step 2
Find out why it happened. Although it is certainly not your fault that your spouse cheated, knowing the reasons why it happened and what you as a couple can do to prevent it from happening again will be key in making sure the marriage will be able to survive.
Step 3
Get support. Although family and friends can provide a great outlet for your venting, consider a counselor or religious figure to help you through this difficult time. These professionals may be able to help you navigate through your thoughts and feelings more effectively. Even if you are going to counseling as a couple, having your own individual support person may prove to be beneficial to your healing process.
Step 4
Don't rush the healing process. The sense of betrayal you feel is very real, as is the damage done to the relationship. Even if you are sure you want to save the marriage, you need to make sure you take the time to adequately go through the grieving process and heal to avoid further marriage problems down the road.
Tips and Warnings
- The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy indicates that marriage counseling can not only help couples survive an infidelity, but can also help them learn to problem-solve, communicate, negotiate and acquire empathy for the other person.
- The Mayo Clinic warns to avoid confiding in people who will not be able to be objective, as this can only increase the emotional intensity of the situation. If one partner is unwilling to commit to resolving the issue, the marriage may not be able to be saved.
Member Comments