4 Ways to Talk to Teenagers About Divorce

1. Let Them Know From the Beginning

Your teen should not be left in the dark when you and your mate decide to dissolve your marriage. It is likely she will already know "something" is up long before the decision to divorce is made. While you do not need to disclose specific intimate details, you do need to let her know you are divorcing and the general reason why. This discussion should be undertaken when you are calm and able to control your emotions. Be wary of using a teenager as a shoulder to cry on as you need to be able to support her as a child experiencing this great change in the family. Teens should not be shouldered with the responsibility of comforting their divorcing parents, though this often occurs.

2. Reassure Them They Are Not to Blame

When you talk with a teen, just as you would with a younger child, let him know he is not to blame for your problems as a couple. As an emerging adult, he may feel he needs to share in the responsibility, but this is not this case. Explain to him that while you will be undergoing this divorce as a family, as there is no other way, his role is to deal with his emotions so he will be able to help make choices impacting him that will naturally arise. If your teen has extreme difficulty in dealing with the situation, and particularly if he is blaming himself for it, you may need to seek formal family counseling.

3. Make a Plan With Teens for After the Divorce

The act of "getting a divorce" is not over when the papers are signed. There is an aftermath to consider. Make a plan with your teen to help you and the rest of the family deal with this difficult circumstance. Decisions have to be made including how she will divide time between two households. This can be particularly difficult if you are going to live far away from your ex. Let her be instrumental in all decisions involving her, though you may need to have the final say.

4. Eliminate Unnecessary Stress

During and after the divorce, you need to provide your teen with the consistency he needs to eliminate undue stress. Hopefully, you and your former partner can abide by the same rules in both homes to give him a clear set of boundaries. Be aware that your child may act out his pain at the divorce by pitting one parent against the other. Do not allow this to happen. Though you are no longer a couple, remain united and do not undermine each other or allow your teen to do so. Also, be careful not to use your teen as an intermediary between you by communicating to each other through him with statements like, "Tell your father to..." and "Let her know.." Talk to each other directly so your teen is not in the middle and does not have to feel responsible for keeping the peace.