1. Don't Blame Yourself
A disintegrating relationship is the responsibility of both partners, but the choice to have an affair was not yours. Refrain from asking what "drove" your spouse into the arms of someone else or what you did wrong that sent him away. Infidelity can have a devastating effect on the wronged party's self-image. You are not responsible for your spouse's behavior, you did not choose infidelity and you should not hold yourself accountable for the pain and trauma associated with it.
2. Cope With the Traumatic Fallout
Going hand in hand with that is the commitment to take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. An affair can leave lingering health effects, such as sleeplessness, loss of appetite, an inability to concentrate, shaking or crying jags and binge eating or drinking. Find ways to cope with the trauma. Set a regular sleep schedule, eat healthy, show up to work on time and take time to relax and enjoy yourself. Seek therapy to deal with the mental fallout, and surround yourself with supportive friends and family members who can help keep your spirits high.
3. Accept Whatever Emotions You Experience
Survivors of affairs often liken the experience to post-traumatic stress. You may feel a wild range of emotions from tears to anger to sudden unexpected bouts of euphoria. Give yourself permission to feel all of them. It's okay to cry or vent. That's part of getting the sadness and anger out of you. Laughter is healthy too. Don't be afraid to see a funny movie or listen to a stand-up comic on television if you feel you need to smile again, even if only for a little while.
4. Test for STDs
You may not know how long the affair has gone on or how many other partners your spouse's fling has had. Make an appointment to see a doctor and get yourself checked for STDs, even if you don't think you have one.
5. Define What You Require for the Relationship to Continue
If you've decided to try to work things out, you need to prepare a list of what you need in order to trust and accept your partner again. Set your boundaries clearly and don't deviate from them. The affair must end, of course. Your spouse should attend marriage counseling with you, and you may have other stipulations based on your particular circumstances. Once you have defined them, be resolute in adhering to them. Keep in mind that your spouse has a choice as to whether or not to commit to them, and be prepared to end the relationship if he can't. Healing takes time and energy. If you choose this path, don't presume that things will get better overnight.
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