Discovering that your spouse has had an affair can be devastating. You will likely feel shocked, betrayed and overwhelmed. As painful as infidelity is, though, it is possible to get past it. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy estimates that 50 percent of the couples who start therapy do so because a spouse has had an affair. Whatever your goals, help is available.
Step 1
Ask for referrals. It might be embarrassing to confess to someone that your marriage is in trouble. However, you shouldn't let embarrassment keep you from getting the help you need. Asking for referrals from your physician, your religious adviser or a friend who has successfully gotten past an extramarital affair is a good place to start.
Step 2
Begin calling counselors. Because infidelity is so painful, you will want to choose a counselor who can see you quickly and regularly without any long delays. If you call a counselor who is booked solid for the next two months, you will probably want to find someone else. Furthermore, you and your spouse need to feel comfortable with your therapist. You will be spending a lot of time with this person, counting on him to guide you through painful issues. Trust your instincts. If you feel apprehensive after that first contact, keep looking.
Step 3
Ask about credentials. With an issue as complicated as infidelity, you will want to know that your therapist is well-qualified to help you. Ask questions about her education and her experience, particularly her experience in counseling couples who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair. Ask about her approach to therapy and what strategies and methods she uses to counsel her clientele. Make sure your counselor understands your goals. If you and your spouse are trying to save your marriage, a counselor who specializes in mediating divorce is probably not the one for you.
Step 4
Consider the cost. Many insurance plans do not cover marriage counseling, so you might have to absorb the cost of your treatment. In the preliminary interview, ask about the fees for services. If money is an issue, ask your religious adviser whether there are low-cost or free options available.
Step 5
Consider the distance. In order to work through an issue as painful as infidelity, you and your spouse will likely be in counseling for some time. The distance you must travel to and from your therapist's office might seem like a trivial concern, but remember that you could be attending sessions on a weekly basis for up to a year or longer. Don't choose a therapist who is so far away from you that you or your spouse might be tempted to quit counseling early because driving back and forth is too time-consuming.
Tips and Warnings
- It will take a long time to rebuild trust.
