Conflict is stressful, whether it happens with your friends, your family or your co-workers. Although conflict is usually spurred by a specific incident, the Kenyon College Ombuds Office says those incidents are usually caused by many smaller incidents that went unaddressed. Because of that, conflict often brings strong feelings to the surface. Sharing these feelings is one of the best ways to resolve the conflict, but it's not always easy to talk about your feelings effectively.
Step 1
Wait until you're feeling calm to start the conversation. If you're hurt, angry or upset, you're less likely to be able to communicate effectively. Depending on how strong your feelings are, you may need to sleep on your feelings or just take a 15-minute break to regain your emotional equilibrium.
Step 2
Vent to someone who isn't not involved in the situation. Use this opportunity to unleash all your over-the-top feelings without worrying about being fair and balanced. If you don't have an outside party to talk to, write a letter to the person or people on the other end of the conflict detailing your irritation. Venting will help relieve some of the bottled-up anger that makes it hard to resolve conflict.
Step 3
Talk in person. Email and phone conversations don't have the nuances of expression, intonation and body language that face-to-face conversation provides. These unspoken cues can go a long way toward making difficult conversations go more smoothly.
Step 4
Focus on your feelings rather than on another person's behavior. Instead of saying "You're always late" or "You're always leaving me out," make the conversation about your feelings. Say "It's really stressful to me when you come in late because I have to man two phones and check all the messages from last night by myself" or "I feel left out when you make plans to do things with other people, but you're always too busy when I try to make plans with you."
Step 5
Listen as much as you talk. Repeat the other person's points, saying things like "It sounds like you're saying" or "Do I understand this correctly?" Ask questions if necessary.
Step 6
Suggest a specific resolution to the problem. If the conflict exists because a co-worker is routinely late to work, perhaps an acceptable resolution would be for her to give up part of her lunch hour to you on days she's late. If your friend doesn't seem to make time for you as much as you'd like, perhaps a standing lunch date would give you the connection you're looking for. Be prepared to present several alternatives so that you can come up with a resolution.
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